FARAWAY PLACES...

NEW YEAR'S RESOLUTIONS

At the end of one year and the start of another, many of us will renew our commitment to living with daily affirmations. I know the power of affirming my truth, over and over, everyday! While these may not suit everyone's taste, here are some "possible" affirmations to consider!

1. As I let go of my feelings of guilt, I am in touch with my inner sociopath.

2. I have the power to channel my imagination into ever-soaring levels of suspicion and paranoia.

3. I assume full responsibility for my actions, except the ones that are someone else's fault.

4. In some cultures what I do would be considered normal.

5. My intuition nearly makes up for my lack of wisdom and judgment.

6. I need not suffer in silence while I can still moan, whimper, and complain.

7. When someone hurts me, I know that forgiveness is cheaper than a lawsuit, but not nearly as rewarding.

8. I am at one with my duality.

9. Blessed are the flexible, for they can tie themselves in knots.

10. I will strive to live each day as if it were my 50th birthday.

11. I honor and express all facets of my being, regardless of state and local laws.

12. Today I will gladly share my experience and advice, for there are no sweeter words than "I told you so!"

13. A scapegoat is almost as good as a solution.

14. Just for today, I will not sit in my living room all day in my underwear. Instead, I will move my computer into the bedroom.

15. I will no longer waste my time reliving the past; I will spend it worrying about the future?

16. The complete lack of evidence is the surest proof that the conspiracy is working.

17. Before I criticize a man, I walk a mile in his shoes. That way, if he gets angry, he's a mile away and barefoot.

A CREED TO LIVE BY

Don't undermine your worth by comparing
yourself with others.
It is because we are different that each of us is special.
Don't set your goals by what other people
deem important.

Only you know what is best for you.
Don't take for granted the things closest to your heart.
Cling to them as you would your life, for without them
life is meaningless.

Don't let your life slip through your fingers
by living in the past or for the future.
By living your life one day at a time,
you live all the days of your life.

Don't give up when you still have something to give.
Nothing is really over until the moment you stop trying.
Don't be afraid to admit that you are less than perfect.
It is this fragile thread that binds us to each other.
Don't be afraid to encounter risks.

It is by taking chances that we learn how to be brave.
Don't shut love out of your life by saying it's impossible to find.
The quickest way to receive love is to give love.
The fastest way to lose love is to hold it too tightly;
and the best way to keep love is to give it wings.
Don't dismiss your dreams.

To be without dreams is to be without hope;
to be without hope is to be without purpose.
Don't run through life so fast that you forget
not only where you've been, but also where you're going.
Life is not a race, but a journey to be savored
each step of the way.

~ Nancye Sims ~

DON'T STOP DREAMING...

Don't Stop Dreaming

Don't ever be reluctant to show your feelings -
When you're happy, give in to it.
When you're not, live with it.

Don't ever be afraid to try to make things better -
You might be surprised at the results.

Don't ever take the weight of the world on your shoulders.

Don't ever feel threatened by the future.
Take life one day at a time.

Don't ever feel guilty about the past.
What's done is done.
Learn from any mistakes you might have made.

Don't ever feel that you are alone.
There is always somebody there for you to reach out to.

Don't ever forget that you can achieve so many of the things you can imagine...
It's not as hard as it seems.

Don't ever stop loving,
Don't ever stop believing,
Don't ever stop dreaming your dreams.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

MERRY CHRISTMAS TO ALL!

WHEN WE TRY

When we try our best and it feels like we’ve tried so hard but gotten only so far
We can’t help but feel like we need someone to lean on

When we try and feel like we need someone to lean on, we try to hide away
Hoping that the people we can lean on will not see us in our despair

As we try we try so hard to do our best even when we feel like our best
Is not enough to given the outcome

As we try and feel like we have gotten only so far we find that we have friends that
Are willing to show us that we have gotten further than we thought

When we try, we show that we can be the ones to lean on when others
Think that their attempts are in vain when they have tried so hard

As we try we show that when we try so hard we cannot loose it all even
When we start to feel small from it not going our way

When we try, we are never alone in anything we do and we are shown by others that
Even when we think only went so far that we went much further than we thought

And in the end as we’ve tried and leaned on others we learn that those we depended on
Were leaning on us as well drawing from our strength in turn giving us strength


With the kind courtesy and permission of Sean Davis
http://seanspoemsandstories.blogspot.com/

ART NOUVEAU STYLE

Art Nouveau ([aʁ nu vo], anglicised /ˈɑːt nuːvəu/) (French for 'new art') is an international style of art, architecture and design that peaked in popularity at the beginning of the 20th century (1880-1914) and is characterised by highly-stylised, flowing, curvilinear designs often incorporating floral and other plant-inspired motifs.

The name 'Art Nouveau' derived from the name of a shop[1] in Paris, Maison de l'Art Nouveau, at the time run by Siegfried Bing, that showcased objects that followed this approach to design.

Art Nouveau was a movement that greatly influenced artists and designers and later progressed onto the De Stijl movement (from 1880-1905) and the German Bauhaus school (early 1920's-1930's). Unlike other styles of design, art nouveau was broad based enough to encompass a whole lifestyle: It was possible to live in an art nouveau house with art nouveau furniture, silverware, crockery, etc.

The style introduced by Bing was not an immediate success in Paris but rapidly spread to Nancy and to Belgium (especially Brussels) where Victor Horta and Henry Van de Velde would make major contributions in the field of architecture and design. In the United Kingdom Art Nouveau developed out of the Arts and Crafts Movement. The most important centre in Britain was Glasgow with the creations of Charles Rennie Mackintosh.

More localised terms for the phenomenon of self-consciously radical, somewhat reformist mannered chic that formed a prelude to 20th-century modernism include Jugendstil in Germany, Austria and many other countries, named after the avant-garde periodical Jugend ('Youth'), Młoda Polska ('Young Poland' style) in Poland, or skønvirke in Denmark, and Sezessionsstil ('Secessionism') in Vienna, where forward-looking artists and designers seceded from the mainstream salon exhibitions to exhibit on their own work in more congenial surroundings.

In Spain, the movement was centred in Barcelona and was known as modernisme, with the architect Antoni Gaudí as the most noteworthy practitioner. Art Nouveau was also a force in Central and Eastern Europe, with the influence of Alfons Mucha in Prague and Moravia (part of the modern Czech Republic) and Latvian Romanticism (Riga, the capital of Latvia, is home to over 800 Art Nouveau buildings).

In Russia, the movement revolved around the art magazine Mir iskusstva ('World of Art'), which spawned the revolutionary Ballets Russes. In Italy, Stile Liberty was named for the London shop, Liberty & Co, which distributed modern design emanating from the Arts and Crafts movement, a sign both of the Art Nouveau's commercial aspect and the 'imported' character that it always retained in Italy.

The entrances to the Paris Métro designed by Hector Guimard in 1899 and 1900 are famous examples of Art Nouveau in Paris.

Although no significant artists in Australia are linked to the Art Nouveau movement, many buildings throughout Australia were designed in the Art Nouveau style. In Melbourne, the Victorian Arts Society, Milton House, Melbourne Sports Depot, Melbourne City Baths, Conservatory of Music and Melba Hall, Paston Building, and Empire Works Building all reflect the Art Nouveau style. (Wikipedia)

WHAT A WONDERFUL WISDOM!

Don't break the elastic!

In April, Maya Angelou was interviewed by Oprah on her 70+ birthday. Oprah asked her what she thought of growing older.

And, there on television, she said it was 'exciting.' Regarding body changes, she said there were many, occurring every day...like her breasts. They seem to be in a race to see which will reach her waist, first.

The audience laughed so hard they cried. She is such a simple and honest woman, with so much wisdom in her words!

Maya Angelou said this:
'I've learned that no matter what happens, or how bad it seems today, life does go on, and it will be better tomorrow.'

'I've learned that you can tell a lot about a person by the way he/she handles these three things: a rainy day, lost luggage, and tangled Christmas tree lights.'

'I've learned that regardless of your relationship with your parents, you'll miss them when they're gone from your life.'

'I've learned that making a 'living' is not the same thing as 'making a life.'

'I've learned that life sometimes gives you a second chance.'

'I've learned that you shouldn't go through life with a catcher's mitt on both hands; you need to be able to throw some things back.'

'I've learned that whenever I decide something with an open heart, I usually make the right decision.'

'I've learned that even when I have pains, I don't have to be one.'

'I've learned that every day you should reach out and touch someone. People love a warm hug, or just a friendly pat on the back.'

'I've learned that I still have a lot to learn.'

'I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.'

THE ATTORNEY'S WIFE...

1. Two times a week we go to a nice restaurant, have a little beverage, good food and companionship, She goes on Tuesdays; I go on Fridays.

2. We also sleep in separate beds.

Hers is in Jolo, and mine in Batanes.

3. I take my wife everywhere....

but she keeps finding her way back.

4. I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary.

"Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said.

So I suggested the kitchen.

5. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

6. She has an electric blender, electric toaster and electric bread maker. She said "There are too many gadgets, and no place to sit down!"

So I bought her an electric chair.

7. My wife told me the car wasn't running well because there was water in the carburetor.

I asked where the car was. She told me, "In the lake."

8. She got a mud pack, and looked great for two days.

Then the mud fell off.

9. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late for the garbage?"

The driver said, "No, jump in!"

10. Remember: Marriage is the number one cause of divorce

11. I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.

12. I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months, I don't like to interrupt her.

13. The last fight was my fault though. My wife asked, "What's on the TV?"

I said, "Dust!"

THIS IS AMAZING!

WHERE YOU ARE GOING...

Where you are going and what are are you looking for

When you don’t know where you’re going or what you’re looking for, you feel
Like you are a lost soul that cannot find its way

As you go along trying to find where you are going and finding what you are looking for,
You realize that you have grown up so much that you barely recognize yourself

Through your searching for where you are going you learn to find your way down your
Own path that can only be charted by you

As you start to figure out what you are looking for you realize that you have always known
What you are looking for without even knowing that you knew what it was

In all of your searching you find that you are not such a lost soul after all for through your
Travels you find that things seemed to fall into place when you needed them to it the most

And as time goes on you find where you were looking for and it was right where
You needed to be for others who were lost just like you helping them to bring find
Where they were going as you learn that helping them was what you were looking for

In the end you end up going somewhere that you never expected to go and finding
Something that you never expected to find


With the kind courtesy and permission of Sean Davis
http://seanspoemsandstories.blogspot.com/

USEFUL TIPS

How many of these did YOU know about?

A sealed envelope - Put in the freezer for a few hours, then slide a knife under the flap. The envelope can then be resealed. (hmmmmmm...)

Use empty toilet paper roll to store appliance cords. It keeps them neat and you can write on the roll what appliance it belongs to.

For icy door steps in freezing temperatures: get warm water and put Dawn dish washing liquid in it. Pour it all over the steps. They won't refreeze. (wish I had known this for the last 40 years!)

To remove old wax from a glass candle holder put it in the freezer for a few hours. Then take the candle holder out and turn it upside down. The wax will fall out.

Crayon marks on walls? This worked wonderfully! A damp rag, dipped in baking soda. Comes off with little effort (elbow grease that is!).

Permanent marker on appliances/counter tops (like store receipt BLUE!) rubbing alcohol on paper towel.

Whenever I purchase a box of S.O.S Pads, I immediately take a pair of scissors and cut each pad into halves. After years of having to throw away rusted and unused and smelly pads, I finally decided that this would be much more economical. Now a box of S.O.S pads last me indefinitely! In fact, I have noticed that the scissors get 'sharpened'' this way!

Blood stains on clothes? Not to worry! Just pour a little hydrogen peroxide on a cloth and proceed to wipe off every drop of blood. Works every time! (Now, where to put the body?) LOL

Use vertical strokes when washing windows outside and horizontal for inside windows. This way you can tell which side has the streaks. Straight vinegar will get outside windows really clean. Don't wash windows on a sunny day They will dry t too quickly and will probably streak.

Spray a bit of perfume on the light bulb in any room to create a lovely light scent in each room when the light is turned on.

Place fabric softener sheets in dresser drawers and your clothes will smell freshly washed for weeks to come. You can also do this with towels and linen.

Candles will last a lot longer if placed in the freezer for at least 3 hours prior to burning.

To clean artificial flowers, pour some salt into a paper bag and add the flowers. Shake vigorously as the salt will absorb all the dust and dirt and leave your artificial flowers looking like new! Works like a charm!

To easily remove burnt on food from your skillet, simply add a drop or two of dish soap and enough water to cover bottom of pan, and bring to a boil on stove top.

Spray your TUPPERWARE with nonstick cooking spray before pouring in tomato based sauces and there won't be any stains.

Wrap celery in aluminum foil when putting in the refrigerator and it will keep for weeks.

When boiling corn on the cob, add a pinch of sugar to help bring out the corn's natural sweetness

Cure for headaches: Take a lime, cut it in half, and rub it on your forehead. The throbbing will go away.

Don't throw out all that leftover wine: Freeze into ice cubes for future use in casseroles and sauces ...... Left over wine? What's that? :)

To get rid of itch from mosquito bites, try applying soap on the area and you will experience instant relief.

Ants, ants, ants everywhere... Well, they are said to never cross a chalk line. So, get your chalk out and draw a line on the floor or wherever ants tend to march. See for yourself.

Use air-freshener to clean mirrors. It does a good job and better still, leaves a lovely smell to the shine.

When you get a splinter, reach for the scotch tape before resorting to tweezers or a needle. Simply put the scotch tape over the splinter, and then pull it off. Scotch tape removes most splinters painlessly and easily.

Now look what you can do with Alka Seltzer... Clean a toilet. Drop in two Alka Seltzer tablets, wait twenty minutes, brush and flush. The citric acid and effervescent action clean vitreous China.

Clean a vase. To remove a stain from the bottom of a glass vase or cruet, fill with water and drop in two Alka Seltzer tablets.

Polish jewelry. Drop two Alka Seltzer tablets into a glass of water and immerse the jewelry for two minutes.

Clean a thermos bottle. Fill the bottle with water, drop in four Alka Seltzer tablets, and let soak for an hour (or longer, if necessary).

Unclog a drain. Clear the sink drain by dropping three Alka Seltzer tablets down the drain followed by a cup of Heinz White Vinegar. Wait a few minutes, and then run the hot water.

Do your friends a favor. Pass this timely (and some not-so-timely) information on to a friend! I just did.

TREASURES IN YOU...

There are treasures in life, but owners are few
Of money and power to buy things brand new
Yet you can be wealthy and feel regal too,
If you will just look for the treasures in you.

These treasures in life are not hard to find
When you look in your heart, your soul, and your mind.
For when you are willing to share what's within,
Your fervent search for riches will end.

The joy and the laughter, the smile that you bring;
The heart unafraid to love and to sing;
The hand always willing to help those in need;
Ones quick to reach out, to labor and feed.

So thank you for sharing these great gifts inside;
The caring, the cheering, the hug when one cried.
Thanks for the energy, encouragement too,
And thank you for sharing the treasures in you.

Author Unknown

IBA TALAGA ANG PINOY!

Telecom History
After digging to a depth of 100 meters last year, Japanese scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 1000 years, and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network one thousand years ago.

In the weeks that followed, American scientists dug 200 metres and headlines in the US papers read:
" US scientists have found traces of 2000 year old optical fibres, and have concluded that their
ancestors already had advanced high-tech digital telephone 1000 years earlier than the Japanese".

One week later, a Filipino newspaper reported the following: "After digging as deep as 500 metres, Filipino scientists have found absolutely nothing. They have concluded that 5000 years ago, their ancestors were already using wireless technology ".


PINOY CONTRACTOR ABROAD

Three contractors are bidding to fix the White House fence.

One from the Philippines , another from Mexico and an American.

They go with a White House official to examine the fence.

The American contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. Well," he says. "I figure the job will run about $900: $400 for materials, $400 for my crew and $100 profit for me."

The Mexican contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, "I can do $700: $300 for materials, $300 for my crew and $100 profit for me."

The Filipino contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the White House official and whispers: "$2,700."

The official, incredulous, says, "What? You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure? How do you expect me to consider your service with that bid??

"Easy," the Pinoy explains, "$1,000 for you, $1,000 for me and we hire the guy from Mexico ".

The next day, the Pinoy and the Mexican are working on the Fence.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
Joke
Q. What's the difference between corruption in the US and corruption in the Philippines ?

A. In the U.S. they go to jail. In the Philippines , they go to the U.S.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Q. What`s the difference among Philippine Presidents Cory, Gloria and Erap?

A. Cory can`t tell a lie
Gloria can`t tell the truth
Erap can`t tell the difference


REPORTER: Sir, kung wala po kayong evidence, witness or suspect ano na po ang next step ninyo??
Police: DNA na...
REPORTER: sir, ano po yung DNA ???
Police: "Di Namin Alam "

"Naglalakad ang mag-ama, nakakita ng eroplano
ANAK: Tay ! Krus! Ang laking krus!
TATAY(Binatukan ang anak): Nakita mo ng krus eh! Lumuhod tayo!"

bobo1: Pare, alam mo ba tawag sa paniki na mababa ang lipad?
bobo2: hindi eh! ano ba pare?
bobo1: Lowbat pare! Lowbat!

ANG NAKARAAN....
May ibinulong ang daga sa elepante. Biglang hinimatay ang elepante. Ano ang ibinulong ng daga?
DAGA: Buntis ako, ikaw ang ama!
SA PAGPAPATULOY. ...
Dahil di makapaniwala ang elepante, dinala nya ang daga sa doctor. Tuwang-tuwa ang elepante at masayang ibinulong sa daga ang result
ELEPANTE: Ako nga ang ama, at elepante ang anak natin, at kambal sila!


TEACHER: Anong similarity nina Jose Rizal, Andres Bonifacio, Ninoy Aquino at Apolinario Mabini?
STUDENT: Ma'am, pagkaka-alam ko po, silang lahat ay pinanganak ng holiday!


TITSER: Juan, use recharge & caffeine in a sentence.
JUAN: Si "Recharge" Gutierrez ay si "Caffeine" Barbell.

ERAP: Soli ko tong nabili kong DVD.
FPJ: Anong problema?
ERAP: Walang picture, tsaka sound. Sayang. Suspense thriller pa yata to. Tsk, tsk...
FPJ: Anong title?
ERAP: "The Lens Cleaner"
PROMDI: Lam ko promdi lang ako kaya wag mo kong lolokohin! Bakit ganito ang kwarto ko? Maliit, wala pang kama at bintana..... ha?
ROOMBOY: Sir, nasa elevator pa lang po tayo...

Jun-Jun: Inay! Ako lang ang nakasagot sa tanong ng titser namin kanina!
Inay: Very good! Ano ba ang tanong ng titser ninyo?
Jun-Jun: "Sino ang walang assignment?"

Titser: Ano ang hugis ng mundo?
Juan: Kuwadrado po, maam!
Titser: Hindi! Ang mundo ay bilog.
Juan: Pero maam, sabi ng lolo ko, narating na niya ang APAT na sulok ng mundo. May sulok po ba ang bilog?

Thelma: Sabi mo, dok, safe ang calendar method. Eh, bakit ako nabuntis?
Dok: Paano nyo ba ginamit ang kalendaryo?
Thelma: Ginawa naming banig.


Boss asks sexy secretary to a dinner after overtime: Are you free tonight?
The sexy secretary replies: Sir, ha... huwag naman, FREE... Bibigyan na lang kita ng discount!

Gumimik sa mall ang tatlong binatilyo...
Jepoy: SYET! Ang cute nung girl!
Kevin: Sexy pa! Grabe!
Nathan: Sino? Yung naka-mini skirt, na red? Yun, yun ba? Ha? Kilala ko siya! Teka tatawagin ko ha, kuyaaahhh Ambet!

Eliseo: Sobra na talaga ang katangahan ng kumare mo. Ang akala niya, ang LAWSUIT ay uniporme ng pulis!
Joshua: Sus! Tanga nga! Eh di ba, uniporme ng abugado yun?


Namatay ang isang mister na babaero. Sa requiem mass, sinabi ng pari patungkol sa namatay, "An honest man, a good man, a family man" et cetera.
Binulungan ng biyuda ang panganay na anak, Pakisilip nga ang kabaong kung ang daddy mo nga ang nasa loob!"

SEASONS GREETINGS AND BEST WISHES!

THINGS YOU SHOULD HAVE LEARNED BY NOW!

1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

2. Don't worry about what people think, they don't do it very often.

3. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian anymore than standing in a garage makes you a car.

4. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

5. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.

6. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.

7. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.

8. It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.

9. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.

10. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.

11. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of cheques.

12. A conscience is what hurts when all of your other parts feel so good.

13. Men are from earth, Women are from earth... Deal with it.

14. No man has ever been shot while doing the dishes.

15. A balanced diet is a biscuit in each hand.

16. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.

17. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.

18. Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.

19. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.

20. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognise a mistake when you make it again.

21. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.

22. Thou shalt not weigh more than thy fridge.

23. Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.

24. It's not the jeans that make your bum look fat.

25. If you had to identify, in 1 word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, & never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be " meetings ".

26. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "crazy".

27. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.

28. You should not confuse your career with your life.

29. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.

30. Never lick a steak knife.

31. The most destructive force in the universe is gossip.

32. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we put the clocks back.

33. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.

34. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday.. That time is age eleven.

35. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers...
36. A person, who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person.

37. Your friends love you anyway.

38. Never be afraid to try something new. Remember that a lone amateur built the Ark. A large group of professionals built the Titanic.

THE COMPUTER SWALLOWED GRANDMA

The computer swallowed grandma. Yes, honestly its true!
She pressed 'control' and 'enter'
And disappeared from view.


It devoured here completely,
The thought just makes me squirm. She must have caught a virus
Or been eaten by a worm .

I've searched through the recycle bin And files of every kind;
I've even used the Internet,
But nothing did I find.

In desperation, I asked Google My searches to refine.
The reply from him was negative,
Not a thing was found 'online.'
So, if inside your 'Inbox,'
My Grandma you should see,
Please 'Copy,' 'Scan' and 'Paste' her

And send her back to me

This is a tribute to all the Grandmas (and Grandpas, too) who have been fearless and learned to use the Computer........ They are the greatest!!!

We do not stop playing because we grow old;
We grow old because we stop playing.

NEVER Be The First To Get Old!

IT'S AUTUMN AGAIN!

THE COLORS OF AUTUMN

ENGLISH TWISTS

We'll begin with a box, and the plural is boxes, But the plural of ox becomes oxen, not boxes. One fowl is a goose, but two are called geese, Yet the plural of moose should never be meese. You may find a lone mouse or a nest full of mice, Yet the plural of house is houses, not hice.

If the plural of man is always called men, Why shouldn't the plural of pan be called pen? If I speak of my foot and show you my feet, And I give you a boot, would a pair be called beet? If one is a tooth and a whole set are teeth, Why shouldn't the plural of booth be called beeth?

Then one may be that, and three would be those, Yet hat in the plural would never be hose, And the plural of cat is cats, not cose. We speak of a brother and also of brethren, But though we say mother, we never say methren. Then the masculine pronouns are he, his and him, But imagine the feminine: she, shis and shim!

Let's face it - English is a crazy language.

There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in England. We take English for granted, but if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square, and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig. And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham?

Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend. If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?

If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? If Father is Pop, how come Mother is not Mop?

In what other language do people recite at a play and play at a Recital? We ship by truck but send cargo by ship. We have noses that run and feet that smell. We park in a driveway and drive in a parkway.

And how can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites?

You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out, and in which an alarm goes off by going on.

So it all comes to this and I think you'll back up my claim I think all the folks who grew up speaking English should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane.

Thanks through the kind courtesy of Marc-Anthony.

FUNNY INSULTS

If you can't live without me, why aren't you dead already?
You'd make a lovely corpse!
I never forget a face, but in your case I'll make an exception.
Is that a beard, or are you eating a muskrat?
Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?
You're a wit with dunces, and a dunce with wits...huh?
Did you eat a brain tumor for breakfast?
You love nature in spite of what it did to you?
I want to reach your mind - where is it currently located?
I wish I'd known you when you were alive.
If you ever had a bright idea, it would be beginner's luck!
What's on your mind? If you'll forgive the overstatement.
When you go to the mind reader, do you get half price?
I look into your eyes and get the feeling someone else is driving.
You're a mouse studying to be a rat.
Don't look now, but there's one too many in this room and I think it's you.
Every time I'm next to you, I get a fierce desire to be alone.
I can't believe that out of 100,000 sperm, you were the quickest!
If you ever become a mother, can I have one of the puppies?
There's nothing wrong with you that reincarnation won't cure.
Why don't you bore a hole in yourself and let the sap run out?
You're a good example of why some animals eat their young.

REVENGE

Traffic cop stops an old guy for speeding. Says to old geezer, "I'll give you a chance.

If you can tell me what's driving down the road towards us, I won't write you a ticket."

Geezer says, "It's a car."

Traffic cop says, "No, you're not LISTENING. Is it a Merc or a BMW or a VW, or what?

Let's try again, shall we? " "What's approaching us now ?"

Geezer says, "It's a motorbike."

Traffic cop says, "No, you're not LISTENING. Is it a Yamaha or a Kawasaki or a Honda?

What sort of bike is it?"

The old guy shrugs so the cop proceeds to write out a ticket, which he then gives to the old guy.

Then he turns and walks towards car.

Old geezer shouts, "Wait mister! Hold on a second.

Come listen to me for awhile!"

"Yes Sir...?"

"Tell me son, If you're in a red light district, and on the opposite corner stands a young lady in a mini skirt, thigh high boots, a miniscule top and a cigarette dangling from her lips what is it ?"

The cop says "Sir, it's a prostitute!"

Geezer says, "No, you're not LISTENING.

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Is it your sister, your grandmother or your MOTHER ? ?

FAKE DIPLOMAS AND DOCUMENTS FOR SALE

Lim orders crackdown on Manila's diploma manufacturers
By Tina Santos
Inquirer
Last updated 01:32am (Mla time) 08/04/2007

MANILA, Philippines - Manila Mayor Alfredo Lim ordered yesterday a crackdown on shops along Recto Avenue found manufacturing fake documents.

Lim also directed Rafaelito Garayblas, secretary to the mayor, to check on those who secured permits from City Hall to operate such establishments by using legitimate businesses.

I asked him to cancel immediately the permits of these establishments, he said.

"Yesterday, at least 10 people allegedly involved in the manufacture of fake diplomas and other public documents were arrested by operatives of the Manila Police District."

Lim ordered Senior Supt. Danilo Abarzosa, MPD acting director, to conduct a continuous monitoring of the area to ensure that those engaged in faking public documents did not return.

The fake diploma industry continues to thrive despite government efforts to eliminate it.

For a fee, people can get a fake marriage contract, class card, faculty identification card, transcript of records, registration form, employers' certificates and even bank statements and voters' IDs, among others.

Recently, the National Printing Office (NPO) and the Commission on Higher Education signed a memorandum of agreement for the printing of a highly securitized paper for college diplomas. The NPO, the agency that prints government forms, said the same security features applied in the printing of ballots, election returns and certificates of canvass would be incorporated in the manufacture of diplomas.

Lim encouraged people to identify policemen protecting the Recto entrepreneurs.

"We hope to erase the image of Manila as the country's 'fake diploma capital,' a reputation it has earned these past several years," he said.

MEDIEVAL FEAST - BRUSSELS 2007

KATATAWANANG PINOY

TEACHER: panget ng name mo, Conrado Domingo! In short, CONDOM!
PUPIL: ok lang po ma'am! Pero mas pangit sa husband ninyo. Supronio
Potenciano!
In short, SUPOT!
------------ --------- --------- --------- -------
REPORTER: Tita Cory, kung buhay si Ninoy ngayon, baka pangulo na siya.
CORY: Naka bilanggo siguro.
REPORTER: bakit naman po?
CORY: baka napatay na niya si Kris.
------------ --------- --------- --------- -------
JUDGE: isa ka palang pusher, kidnapper, gun for hire, gambling lord,
swindler at bugaw! Wala ka bang matinong hanapbuhay?
ACCUSED: meron po. Pulis po ako.
----------- ----------- ----------- ------------
GIRL: lahat ng politiko, kawatan!
MAN: sakit mo naman magsalita!
GIRL: bakit, politiko ka ba?
MAN: hindi, kawatan!
------------ --------- --------- --------- -------
Dalawang unano galing motel.
UNANO 1: pare, hindi ko nagalaw date ko kagabi, buti pa kayo, dinig ko
humihiyaw ka ng "1,2,3 ummph!!"
UNANO 2: gago! Hindi ko kasi maakyat ang kama .
------------ --------- --------- --------- -------
BETH: halata na ang tiyan mo. Bakit hindi pa kayo papakasal ng BF mo?
MARIA: ayaw ng pamilya niya eh.
BETH: sino may ayaw, tatay o Nanay?
MARIA: yung misis niya.
------------ --------- --------- --------- -------
Quiapo Church :
MRS: Lord, bigyan ninyo ako ng P1,000 kasi anak ko na sa hospital.
Narinig ng pulis, naawa, binigyan ng P500.
MRS: Lord, next time huwag padaan sa pulis, nabawasan agad
------------ --------- --------- --------- -------
Ano ang saging na mataba? Saba
Ano ang sa ging na maliit? Senorita
Ano ang saging na sinusubo pati balat?
It begins with T.
Esep-esep. Sirit na? .... Turon.
------------ --------- --------- --------- -------
Young lady to the new parish priest:
LADY: Father, ang cute mo, bakit pumayag kang magpari?
PRIEST: Ayaw kasi puma yag ni mama na mag-MADRE ako!
------------ --------- --------- --------- -------
SPANISH TEACHER: class, use PUERA in a sentence.
PUPIL: mi maestras son bonitas (all the teachers are beautiful)
TEACHER: oh, that's very flattering, but where's PUERA?
PUPIL: PUERA ka!
------------ --------- --------- --------- -------
JEEP PASSENGER: manong bayad.
DRIVER: saan galing?
PASSENGER: sa akin.
DRIVER: papunta saan?
PASSENGER: sayo
------------ -------- --------- --------- --------
Mister: Kung gagawa ako ng pelikula, gusto ko, ako si ZORRO!
Misis: Eh ako, sino?
Mister: Si DACOS!
Misis: Dacos? Sino 'yun!
Mister: DA COS of all my ZORROs!
----------- ---------- ------------ -- ------------ - --------
Job interview...
Boss: Ano ang alam mo?
Rommel: Alam ko po kung saan kayo nakatira ng misis mo, at kung saan
nakatira ang kabit mo.
Boss: Tanggap ka na!
------------ -- ------------ ---- ------------ - --- --------- -------
Tomas: Sobrang tabatsoy na ang misis ko kaya gusto niyang magbawas ng
timbang. Nag-horseback riding siya...
Jorge: Ano'ng resulta?
Tomas: Nabawasan ng 10 kilos 'yung kabayo!
------------ ---- ------------ --- ------------ - ------------
Ama: Kumusta ang pag-aaral mo?
Anak: Nag-lesson at test po kami tungkol sa mga manok.
Ama: Ano, madali ba?
Anak: Chicken na chicken!
Ama: Anong grade mo?
Anak: Itlog po.
------------ -- --------- ----------- ---------- ----------
Dalawang bank holdaper...
Holdaper #1: Yehey! Mayaman na tayo!
Holdaper #2: Bilangin mo na!
Holdaper: Gago! Alam mo namang mahina ako sa math.
Abangan na lang natin sa balita kung magkano!
-------- ----------- ----------- ------------ ------------
Guro: What is 34 books + 25 books?
Pilo: 59 books po.
Guro: Good. Ang 18 + 29 + 30 books?
Pilo: 77 books.
Guro: Very good. Now, what is 950 + 136 + 672 + 490 + 854 books?
Pilo: Ma'am, library po!
------------ - ------------ -- ------------ ----------- --------
Pasyente: Okey ba ang services sa ospital na ito?
Doktor: Oo naman. Sigurado 'yon.
Pasyente: Paano kung hindi ako satisfied?
Doktor: Ibabalik namin ang sakit mo.
------------ ------------ ------------ -- ------------ -----------
After 50 years...
Urbana : Mare, how's your sex life?
Dolores: Well, sa edad ni pare mo, MUKHA na lang ang nagagalit, BALAHIBO na lang ang tumatayo at UBO na lang ang matigas.