MESSAGE FROM NASTY

My Zen master says, "Never fight fire with fire." So, I sat in a lotus position, imbibed the ethereal qualities of cool mountain water and stoically resisted the temptation of answering back to defend myself in rebuttal of your article. I kept quiet while you and your readers had a charlatan holiday, dissecting and fanning sarcasm on my every comment about your country and your people.

I am not mad at you for writing that piece. I was never upset at any point, even after your readers from all over the world e-mailed in their two-cents' worth. In fact, I found it rather amusing and carnival-like.

I even felt happy that people still came to the defense of your Philippines!

If you noticed, I now refer to the Philippines and Filipinos as your country and your people. Every time I went back there for vacation, my Filipino-ness always took the better of me (blame those damn green mangoes smothered with bagoong!) and made me forget that I am, in all reality, what you aptly called a "Little Brown American." I have come to terms with my own identity- I am, after all, an American citizen carrying an American passport!

What precipitated my quick decision to sever my ties with your country (aside from your ***** of an article) were the Abu Sayyaf abductions (que barbaridad!), the Payatas-like downslide of the peso (eat your hearts out, I earn sweet American dollars!), the "devoid of conscience" graft and corruption in your government (this has gone on for the longest time-how shameful!), and lately, the stupid "Juetengate" and juicy but enraging "Boracay" mansion gossips. With all these, who would be proud to be a Filipino? Besides, to tell you frankly, those Erap jokes are no longer funny- they are pass? and leave a bad taste in the mouth and heart. No Apology If I sounded brash and insensitive with the way I threw my comments, well, I cannot do anything about that because that is the way I am, and I offer no apology. Here, in America, you have to tell it like it is or you'll never be taken seriously. I have learned to drop my "Pinoy sugarcoating" because out here, you get nothing done if you are meek and sweet and pa-api. Hindi puwede mag-Anita Linda dito!

When I commented about your pollution, street children mendicants, slums, potholes, toilets that don't work, garbage, floods, and most of all, the Pinoys' chronic lack of discipline, I was merely putting into words what I saw. I can't blame your being blind about your country's situation.

My Zen master says, "One cannot easily see the dirt in one's eye." I am sure though that you are aware of those sordid details, but have grown accustomed to them (like most Manile?s have). All the complaints I aired may have hurt your pride but what I wanted you to realize is this: The things I pointed out are all symptoms of a failing, falling nation!

Suffering A National Karma?
Could yours be a country cursed with a huge national karmic debt? It could be payback time, you know. Look back into your history, look deep inside your hearts-what could you have done as a nation to deserve this fiasco you are in today?

What you are faced with didn't just happen overnight-it developed and grew into a monster in the course of time. Deeply imbedded in the psyche of the Filipino is the amalgamation of the characters and events that have impacted your lives - Dona Victorina, Dona Concepcion, poor Sisa as well the other hilarious and tragic characters of Dr. Jose Rizal... Stonehill...the notorious gangsters immortalized by your Filipino movies like Asiong Salonga (hmmm!), et al...the killers in your (I thought they'd never end!) massacre movies...those cheap, appalling titles of your movies... those staged "religious miracles" that your naive masses believed...family men
with pushy queridas (mistresses)...your crooked politicians, undependable police officers and greedy customs collectors...your bribe-hungry court judges...Imeldific, gloriously smiling and crying at the same time, bejeweled. (How very Fellini!)

What you are is the sum total of your history, your heritage and culture,your education, the crap that your press sensationalizes, the bad icons that your movies glorify, the artificial values your advertising extols, the bad examples your leaders and role models project. What you feed your country's mind is what it becomes. You have become the ugly monster that you've created. You are now crying all the tears your sickeningly sentimental movies wailed out for years and years! Your Biggest Fault If there is one thing that comes to mind, I think your biggest fault would be your individual greed. "Ako muna!" seems to be the national mantra. The trouble is, very few people think for the common good in a deplorable "to each his own kurakot" festival. Coupled by your crab mentality of pushing down others, this can be fatal. You think barangay, not national. Hello, everybody else around the world is thinking global! Europe is unshackling her national boundaries while you are building fences around your nipa huts.

Do yourselves a favor and look at your nation as a ship. All of you are in it and it is sinking! Realize your oneness-what hurts your brother hurts you, too. Think about the future of your children and the succeeding generations, and do something about it quick before your poor little banca plunges forever into the irretrievable depths of despair.

Star-Struck Nation
You are a nation of star-struck ignoramuses. You are easily awed by your movie stars who are usually nothing but uneducated, aquiline-nosed and light-skinned ******** picked up from some gutter somewhere. I have seen what these artistas illusionadas can get away with. They just flash their capped-tooth smiles and policemen let them get away with traffic violations; they bat their false eyelashes and customs officers impose no duty on their suspicious balikbayan boxes.

Worst of all, with the Filipino movie industry taking a nosedive, hordes of actors and show personalities went into politics. It is, as they say, the next best "racket"-there is more money to be made in the politicking business than in show business! (And what is this I hear that in the coming elections, more are jumping into the arena? Mag-hara-kiri na kayo!) How can you expect these comedians and actors, who only know how to take directions from their directors, to direct your nation? For them, politics will just be an "act". No big surprise here, for they are mere actors with no original scripts to speak, no original visions to share. So what can you expect but a government that is a comedy of errors. Serves you and your star-struck nation right!

My Zen master says, "Give unto Caesar what is due to Caesar, but keep Charlie Chaplin on the silver screen to make us laugh." To survive, you must teach your citizenry to say no to three things - no to drugs, no to stealing and graft and corruption, and no to artistas in politics. I hope you've learned your lesson by now. (Yours is the only country where Mexican soap stars are received like royalty in the presidential palace. How shoddy! God forbid-Fernando Carrillo might end up being your next president. At least he has great abs and doesn't wobble like a penguin when he walks!)

For those artistas who honestly believe that they can make a positive difference in the Filipino masses' life, they must first study law, business and public administration, and immerse themselves in the life and passion of Mother Teresa. Politics is not an art for dilettante artistas to dabble in. It is called "Political Science," hello?!

Educate Your Masses
Educate the masses - especially your electorate. What you need is an intelligent vote aside from, of course, intelligent candidates. The University of San Carlos in Cebu City, founded in 1595, and the University of Santo Tomas in Manila, established in 1611, are the oldest universities in Asia, and are even older than Harvard. But the standard of Pinoy education has deteriorated so much that the Philippines ranks among the poorest in the educational hierarchy of Asia.

Education, education, education-that's what you need in this age of information, information, information.

If all your social, religious and political sectors don't sit down now and decide to take the Right Way, the Philippines and your children's children will be grand losers in the worldwide rush to the future. Education is one sure way to salvation. Teach what is right, good, beautiful and beneficial.

Downplay all negativity if you cannot eliminate it altogether.

The Ideal President
I've got news for you. (As if you didn't already know.) No matter whom you put up there as your leader or president, it will be the same banana. Even a holy man can turn into another J. E. (Judas Escariot) for a few pieces of silver. Kumpares, alalays, relatives and cronies will encrust like flies and maggots on his cordon sanitaire. And it will be the same despicable "Sa amin na 'to!" hullabaloo all over again.

Take an advice from Aling Epang: "Pumili ng matanda, mayaman, mabait, at madaling mamatay." Get a president who is old - so that he is full of wisdom, rich - so he won't need to steal more money, goodhearted - so he will render heartfelt service to his people, and is in the sunset of his life - so that he will think of nothing but gaining good points to present when he meets his Creator. And may I add: At iisa lang ang pamilya! This is, of course, asking for the moon. Just pray fervently for an intelligent leader with a pure heart who genuinely loves the common tao!

Magpakatotoo Kayo! Wake up and look at the real you. Enough with looking at your reflection in glorious, self-embellishing mirrors. The tropical sun can play tricks, you know. Do not wait for darkness to fall before you take that much-needed long, hard look at your real situation. Magpakatotoo kayo, ano? This isn't a wake-up call-it is the final alarm!

Save the ship while you still can. Don't wait till your people have no more dreams left to hang on to, no more hope to sustain their broken spirits. I came home, spent my penny-pinched savings so that even in the minutest way I could help your bruised economy. Your politicians sit on their fat, farting butts and get balatos (kuno!) in the millions. Receivers are as guilty as the givers. Now, tell me, who is really nasty?

I Have Made My Decision; So Should You.

My Zen master says, "Life is all about decisions, not choices." I have made a decision which I know will be very hard for me to keep- You will never hear from me again (not in this vein) and I will not even think of visiting or buwisiting your Manila ever. This is my way of letting you know that I have given up on you. Bahala na kayo! Only you can help yourselves because at the stage you are in, nobody would want to help you. My Zen master says, "You have to fall to learn to rise again." How much lower do you want to go?

Anyway, regarding the Philippines as a tourist destination, you have a lot of cleaning up and face-lifting to do before foreigners would dare go to your islands again. The Abu Sayyaf episode has done your tourism industry more damage than you could ever imagine, and it will take a long time before the world forgets. (By the way, your tourism projects are lusterless and have no global impact. If you want real business, spruce up your infrastructure and do aggressive marketing on the World Wide Web!)

Of course, I would gladly reverse my decision if someone offered me exclusive lordship over lotto, bingo, jueteng, pintakasi and the jai alai. Think about it: this will be to your advantage because I never give tong or blood commission to anyone! (If only your president used the millions he received from those gambling lords to build homes for the masses, you wouldn't have any more squatters. Huling hirit: defrost those Marcos billions, pay off some debt, place the rest in high-yield investments, feed your hungry, and spread bounty and joy to every Filipino! Are you stupid or what? - That's your money sucked from the blood of your people!)

I have made my decision, now make yours. I would hate for the day to come when I'd have to say, "I told you so!" Good luck! (You need it.)

An ex-Filipino,

J. Anastasio "Nasty"

P. S. My Zen master says, "Vox populi is not always the voice of God."

P. P. S. Come over to L.A and I'll show you a great time!

P. P. P. S. Our friend Randy says hello! We will be going to Vancouver to feast our eyes on the colors of autumn. Wish you could join us.

P. P. P. P. S. The new Miss America, Angela Perez Baraquio, is of Filipino ancestry. Dero, her parents hail from Pangasinan just like you! But keep in mind that she is an American (in case some wise fools over there claim her to be Filipino like they always do whenever someone becomes successful).

Wait for the girl to say it- don't put words in her mouth!

P. P. P. P. P. S. Mabuhay kayo (SANA)!

P. P. P. P. P. P. S. Sa totoo lang, MAGDUSA KAYONG LAHAT! (Don't you just love my Waray-Kano accent?) He-he-he!

FILIPINO MIGRANTS AROUND THE GLOBE

Facts and figures

The ratio of Filipinos overseas against the Philippine population is 1:10.

Of the 15,271 million Filipino families, eight million are affected by migration.

In 2003, the nation saw the departure of 625,000 Filipino seeking employments in foreign countries.

An average of 2,500 individuals departs daily for overseas work.

The migration population is young (20-30 years old).

60% of OFW (overseas Filipino worker) are women.

About eight billion US dollars has been remitted by OFWs.

An average of 1.6 dead OFWs is brought back home daily.

Filipinos are found in 197 countries all over the world.

60% of OFWs – the modern day heroes – are women

Top destinations

The permanent residents or immigrants are in the USA, Canada, Australia, Japan, United Kingdom and Germany.

Male workless are found in Asia as entertainers and domestic workers.

Professional, skilled workers and nurses are found in the USA, Canada and Australia.

The top provinces/cities of origin for OFWs are all in the Luzon region: Manila, Quezon City, Pampanga, Batangas, Pangasinan, Bulacan, Cavite, Laguna, Rizal and Caloocan City.

Source: Woman Today, Mandaluyong City, 7 April 2004 p. 14.

NOTE FROM ART BELL

Filipinos.....*make me puke* (Art Bell)

As we've all come to notice, in the past few decades, Filipinos have begun to infest the United States like some sort of disease. Their extensive involvement in the U.S. Armed Forces is proof of the trashy kind of qualities all Filipinos tend to exhibit on a regular basis. You can see this clearly by studying the attitudes and cultural Icons of most Filipino Americans.

Origins of Pinoys/Pinays:
Are they really asian? Well we've come to accept the fact the Filipinos come from a part of the world known as South East Asia. But the term "Asia" is used in the wrong way. You may notice that contemporary Filipino Americans try very hard to associate themselves with groups that we know as Asian. I cannot count the number of times I have seen a 'Third World' Filipino try to connect themselves to the Chinese or Japanese people. There is no connection and here's why. The Philippines is a Third World country. Nothing respectable has EVER been created by Filipino people during our entire human history. Young Filipino men in America have become obsessed with "import racing". They have an enormously perverted affection for Japanese cars. It's a common phenomenon. In their minds, these Filipinos somehow believe that they are asian and that it somehow connects them to Japanese people and Japanese cars. They often take credit for the ingenuity of Japanese people and say how it's an "Asian thing". This term..."Asian thing" derived directly from African American slang "black thang". "It's a black thang." "It's an asian thang."

You can see the connection. It's even funnier that, in Japan, Filipinos are heavily discriminated against. The only Filipinos that can live successfully in Japan are the Filipino prostitutes. But that's the case for most Filipino people no matter where they live in the world. Now we've come down to this fact...and it is a fact.

Nothing in Filipino Culture can be seen as Asian. They have no architectural, artistic, or cultural influence which is in ANY way, Asian. Thinking of the great countries in Asia such as Japan, Korea, and China there is no way you can possibly connect the Philippine Islands. This assault by Filipino Americans to connect themselves with the great peoples of North East Asia is foul and disgusting. Try visiting a young Filipino's web site too.

You'll see something called the "Asian IRC Ring". It has to do with the chatrooms. The most horrible thing about this is that these TRASHY people are trying to associate themselves with Asia again!! People in Asia don't act like this at all. What we are seeing here is the natural Filipino in its element with full access to technology and this is how they act! You will consistently see this behavior over and over again.

Another interesting thing is that these "third world" people also frequent RC chatrooms such as #chinese #japan and #asian. They must believe that they are somehow related racially or culturally to North Asians. But it's completely WRONG! There might have been some distant contact with China and even less with Japan during World War II, but these people are actually more closely related to African Americans and Mexican Americans.

Do the parents of these young Filipinos know what's going on? Would they accept this? I believe that they would and do. This is the natural "Trash" element in Filipinos manifesting itself. Nothing good has ever come from Philippines and I don't believe anything good ever will.

Recognizing your Roots (A Message to Filipinos). To all Filipino people:
Please recognize your ROOTS! You come from the Third World! Your country is a disgusting and filthy place. Most people there live in poverty! Your culture has MUCH MORE SPANISH influence than Chinese, and absolutely no JAPANESE influence whatsoever. People in Japan and China, do not act like you. They do not constantly talk about sex and they have a MUCH HIGHER level of RESPECT for each other. There is NO WAY that you can connect yourself to Asia other than location.

Your culture and technological advancement does not even come CLOSE to what Chinese, people have done in the past and what Japanese and Korean people are doing now! Everything you do is distinctly Filipino. You cannot take credit for Japanese cars, video games, or Hentai! It's not an "Asian thing" it's an "American thing". You have no concept of culture...no concept of Asian ideas or Asian philosophy! Can you demonstrate how you use Confucianism or Taoism in your everyday life?? You can't. And you will NEVER be able to.

I understand that you are trying to create an identity for yourselves as young people... but it is NOT related to Asia. Your Identity is Filipino.

That's all you are. Just Filipino. Think about what that means....

A DIFFERENT VIEW

Dear Tita Cory, senators, congressmen, businessmen, media people, leftists, and all bleeding hearts out there,

I am angry. And I know that there are many out there who are angrier than I am for the same reason. And that reason is simple. I am sick and tired of all you guys claiming to speak for me and many Filipinos. I feel like screaming every time you mouth words about fighting for my freedom and my rights, when you obviously are just thinking about yours. You tell me that the essence of democracy is providing every citizen the right to speak his or her mind and make his or her own informed judgments, but you yourselves do not respect my silence and the choices I and many others have made. In other words, your concept of democracy is limited to having your rights and your freedoms respected, at the expense of ours. I am utterly flabbergasted that you still do not get it: we already responded to your calls, and our response has been very clear -we chose not to heed your calls to go to Edsa or to Fort Bonifacio not because we do not love our country or our freedoms or our rights, but precisely because we love our country even more. Because quite frankly, we are prepared to lose our freedoms and our rights just to move this country forward. You may think that is not correct, you can tell me all the dire warnings about the evils of authoritarian rule, but quite frankly all we see is your pathetic efforts to prop up your cause. You tell me that you are simply protecting my freedoms and my rights, but who told you to do that? I assure you that when I feel that my rights and my freedoms are at a peril, I will stand up and fight for them myself. You tell us that GMA is not the right person to lead this country because she has done immoral acts. As someone who sees immorality being committed wantonly in many ways every day and by everyone (yes, including you), I may have become jaded. But you have not been able to offer me any viable alternative, while GMA has bent over backwards many times to accommodate you while continuing to work hard despite all the obstacles and the brickbats you have thrown her way. From where I sit, she is the one who has been working really hard to move this country forward while all of you have been so busy with one and only one thing: to make sure she does not succeed. So forgive me if I do not want to join you in your moral pissing contest. Forgive me if I have chosen to see things from another perspective. You say she is the problem. I say, we are the problem; more to the point, I think you are a bigger problem than she is. Taking her out may solve part of the problem, but that leaves us with a bigger problem: you. That is right, you! While I felt outraged that she called a Comelec official during the elections and that she may have rigged the elections, I have since then taken the higher moral ground and forgiven her. Yes, my dear bishops, I have done what you have told me to do since I was a child, which you say is the Christian and moral thing to do: forgive. Especially since she has asked for forgiveness and has tried to make amends for it. Erap certainly has not apologized and continues to be defiant, continuing to insult us every day with his protestations. Cory has not apologized for her incompetence but we have forgiven her just the same because like GMA, she has worked hard, after all. I know you think that GMA's apology was not enough, or that she was insincere, or that that apology should not be the end of it, but please spare me the hypocrisy of telling me that you do so for the sake of protecting the moral fiber of society. The real reason is because you smell blood and want to go for the kill. Well, I have news for you. I do not like her, too. I did not even vote for her. I voted for Raul Roco. But as much as I do not like her, I do not like you even more. I may not trust her, but guess what: I do not trust you even more. You know why? Because all you do is whine and sabotage this country. You belittle every little progress we make; conveniently forgetting that it is not just GMA who has been working so hard to achieve them. Every single day, we keep the faith burning in our hearts that this country will finally pull itself out of the mess and we work so hard to do that. Every little progress is the result of our collective effort, we who toil hard every day in our jobs. Yet, you persist in one and only thing: making GMA look bad in the eyes of the world and making sure that this country continues to suffer to prove your sorry point. In the process, you continue to destroy what we painstakingly try to build. So please do not be surprised that I do not share your cause. Do not be surprised that we have become contemptuous of your antics. You have moved heaven and earth to destroy her credibility, you have convened all kinds of for a and hearings and all you have done is test our patience to the core. For all your effort, you have only succeeded in dragging us further down. I say enough. Don't get me wrong. I am not asking that we take immorality lying down, or that we let the President get away with anything illegal.

But you have tried to prove your accusations all this time and you have not succeeded, so it is time to let things be. Besides, you are doing something immoral as well if not utterly unforgivable. The Magdalo soldiers are consorting with the communists-the same people who have been trying to kill democracy for years. Cory has been consorting with Erap and the Marcoses. So please wake up and take a reality check. In the absence of true and genuine moral leadership, many of us have decided to cast our lot with the President, even if we do not like her. A flawed leader is better than scheming power-hungry fools who cannot even stand up for their convictions in the face of an impending arrest. Your coup attempts and the denials that you have consequently made only underscored what we think is true: you are spineless and unreliable people whose only defense is to cry suppression when your ruse does not work. You are like bullies who taunt and provoke, but cry oppression when taken to task for your cruelty. I would have respected you if you took the consequences of your actions like real heroes: calmly and responsibly instead of kicking and screaming and making lame excuses. You say you are willing to die for us, that you do all these things for the country and the Filipino, but you are not even willing to go to jail for us. Come on, you really think we believe that you did not want to bring down the government when that is the one and only thing you have been trying to do in the last many months? We love this country and we want peace and progress. Many among us do not give a f-k who sits at Malacañang because we will work hard and do our share to make things work. If you only do your jobs, the ones that we elected you to do, things would be a lot simpler and easier for every one. The events during the weekend only proved one thing.

You are more dangerous and a serious threat to this country than GMA is. We have seen what you are capable of doing-you are ready to burn this country and reduce everything to ashes just to prove your point. If there is something that we need protection from, it is protection from you.

ERAP JOKES

MEDYAS
Isang alalay: Boss Erap, bakit magkaiba ang medyas mo? Isang green, isang red.
Erap: Ewan ko nga kung saan ito nabili ni Loi. May isang pares pa ako na ganito sa bahay.

ERAP MAKES A WISH
Erap shows a map of the Philippines to a genie and wishes that all the islands be connected by fly-overs
Genie: I'm not that good. Make another wish!
Erap: Okay. Make me intelligent!
Genie: Can I see the map again?

SIGNAL LIGHT
Driver to Erap: Boss, paki-tingnan nga ninyo yung signal light kung ayos na
Erap: (inilabas ang ulo at tiningnan): Ooops sira. ooops gawa.ooops sira...

ERAP CALLING A HOTEL RECEPTIONIST
Erap: Paano ako makakalabas dito sa kuwarto ko?
Receptionist: Bakit po sir, ano pong problema sa mga pinto?
Erap: Dalawa lang ang pinto. Ang isa pag bukas ko banyo.
'Yung isa naman may nakasabit na "do not disturb" .

MEDICAL EXAM:
Erap is appearing for his university final examination. He takes his seat in the examination hall, stares at the question paper for five minutes, and then in a fit of inspiration takes his shoes off and throws them out of the window. He then removes his shirt and throws it away as well. His pants, socks and watch follow suit.
The nurse, alarmed, approaches him and asks what is going on. "Miss, I am only following the instructions," he says, "it says here, "Answer the following questions in brief'."

ELEVATOR:
FVR: Sorry I'm late! brownout! na stuck sa elevator for 1 hour
ERAP: Wala yan ako 3 hours sa escalator

SIX OR EIGHT:
Erap calls into a take-out pizza parlor.
Pizza man: Would you like your pizza sliced into six or eight?
Erap: Six, I don't think I could eat eight.

UNDERWEAR:
DOCTOR: I need your semen, urine and stool samples
ERAP: I am a bit in a hurry. Can I just leave my underwear?

MY BODY HURTS:
ERAP: Doc, help me. My body hurts all over. Look, if I touch my head, OUCH! My leg, OUCH! Even my hair, OUCH!
DOC: Ah, Mr. President, I think your finger is broken.

CHARITY:
ERAP Handed a cheque to Sec. Zamora as donation to a charitable institution.
SEC. ZAMORA: "Mr. President, bakit walang pirma ito?"
ERAP: "OK lang kasi gusto ko maging ANONYMOUS DONOR".

BALLERINA:
While watching a ballerina tip toeing on stage, Erap commented- "Ang tanga naman ng direktor! Bakit hindi na lang sya kumuha ng matangkad?!"

IN A COFFEE SHOP:
Erap: One coffee please
Waiter: Decaf, sir?
Erap: Of course! Debaso is too big and too much for me!

FLIGHT TO SF:
ERAP: I would like to inquire how long is the flight to San Francisco
OPERATOR: Just a minute sir
ERAP: Ah, ok. Thank you.

APOLLO 13:
Reporter: Mr. President, have you watched "Apollo 13".
Erap: No, I might not undertand it.
Reporter: Why??
Erap: because I wasn't able to watch Apollo part 1 to 12.

PIZZERIA:
While in a pizzeria.
Erap : What are your specialties?
Waiter : Sir, we serve all kinds of pizza.
Erap : Talaga, bigyan mo nga ako ng Shakey's !!

SCIENCE CLASS:

In a science class.
Classmate : Bakit yung airplane pag umiikot ang elisi, uma-angat sa lupa?
Bakit yung bentilador kahit umiikot, nasa mesa pa din?
Erap : Tanga ka pala eh! Kasi yung bentilador may kurdon, pinipigilan yon!

BLACK TIE:
ERAP: Nakakahiya! GRABE! Hindi na ako mauulit...
JINGGOY: Bakit Dad?
ERAP: Sabi sa invitation black tie only, pagdating ko do'n, may suot din pala silang polo at pantalon!

PIP:
Jinggoy: Dad, pang ilang Tirso Cruz na si Tirso Cruz III?
Erap: (natawa) trick question ba yan anak? Eh, di pang-lima, kaya nga PIP and tawag sa kanya, di ba?

MIRROR:
There was a mirror that eats liars.
Pangit: I think I'm CUTE! - kinain siya.
Taba: I think I'm SEXY! - kinain siya.
Erap: I think… - kinain na.

ERAP AND FIRE EXIT:
Scenario: Nasusunog ang Malacanang!
Guard: Mr. President dito po ang daan sa fire exit.
Erap: Engot, diyan nga dadaan ang apoy, eh!

THE PHILIPPINES IS...

THE PHILIPPINES IS...

50. where the most happening places is not where the party is. Instead it's where the gang wars happen, where women strip and where the people overthrow a president.
49. where even doctors, lawyers and engineers are unemployed.
48. where everyone has his personal ghost story.
47. where mountains like Makiling and Banahaw are considered as holy places.
46. where everything can be forged.
45. where the school is considered the second home and the mall considered as third.
44. where Starbucks coffee is more expensive than gas.
43. where every street has a basketball court and every town only has one public school.
42. where all kinds of animals are edible.
41. where people speak all kinds of languages, and still call it Tagalog.
40. where students pay more money than they will earn afterwards.
39. where call center employees earn more money than teachers and nurses.
38. where driving 4kms can take as much as 4hours.
37. where flyovers bring you from the freeway to the side streets.
36. where the tourist spots is where Filipinos do not (or cannot) go.
35. where the personal computer is mainly used for games and Friendster.
34. where all 13 year olds are alcoholic.
33. where colonial mentality is dishonestly denied!
32. where 4am is not even considered bed time yet.
31. where people can pay to defy the law.
30. where everything is spoofed.
29. where even the poverty-stricken get to wear Ralph Lauren and Tommy Hilfiger.
28. where honking of car horns is a way of life.
27. where being called a bum is never offensive.
26. where flood waters take up more than 90 percent of the streets during the rainy season.
25. where everyone has a relative abroad who keeps them alive.
24. where crossing the street involves running for your dear life.
23. where wearing your national colors make you "baduy" (queer).
22. where billiards is a sport, and darts is a bar game.
21. where even the poverty-stricken have the latest cell phones.
20. where insurance does not work.
19. where water can only be classified as tap and dirty... clean water is for sale (55pesos/gallon).
18. where the church governs the people and where the government makes the people pray for miracles.
17. where University of the Philippines is where all the weird people go. Ateneo is where all the nerds go. La Salle is where all the Chinese go. College of Saint Benilde is where all the stupid Chinese go, and University of Asia and the Pacific is where all the irrelevantly rich people go.
16. where fastfood is a diet meal.
15. where traffic signs are merely suggestions not regulations.
14. where all the trees in the city are below 6 ft.
13. where being held up is normal. It happens to everyone.
12. where kids dream of becoming pilots, doctors, actors and basketball players.
11. where rodents is a normal house pet.
10. where the definition of traffic is the 'non-movement' of vehicles.
9. where the fighter planes of the 1940's are used for military engagements, and the new fighter planes are displayed in museums.
8. where being an hour late is still considered as punctual.
7. where cigarettes and alcohol are a necessity, and where the lottery is a commodity.
6. where soap operas tell the realities of life and where the news provides the drama.
5. where actors make the rules and where politicians provide the entertainment.
4. where finding a deer on the road will be a phenomenon.
3. where people can get away with stealing trillions of pesos, but not for a thousand.
2. where Nora Aunor is an acclaimed actress and Boy Abunda is the best talk show host.
1. where everyone wants to leave the country!

Egay M. Reasonda
Department of National Defense
Camp General Emilio Aguinaldo
Quezon City, Philippines