THE COLORS OF AUTUMN

ENGLISH TWISTS

We'll begin with a box, and the plural is boxes, But the plural of ox becomes oxen, not boxes. One fowl is a goose, but two are called geese, Yet the plural of moose should never be meese. You may find a lone mouse or a nest full of mice, Yet the plural of house is houses, not hice.

If the plural of man is always called men, Why shouldn't the plural of pan be called pen? If I speak of my foot and show you my feet, And I give you a boot, would a pair be called beet? If one is a tooth and a whole set are teeth, Why shouldn't the plural of booth be called beeth?

Then one may be that, and three would be those, Yet hat in the plural would never be hose, And the plural of cat is cats, not cose. We speak of a brother and also of brethren, But though we say mother, we never say methren. Then the masculine pronouns are he, his and him, But imagine the feminine: she, shis and shim!

Let's face it - English is a crazy language.

There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in England. We take English for granted, but if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square, and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig. And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham?

Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend. If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?

If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? If Father is Pop, how come Mother is not Mop?

In what other language do people recite at a play and play at a Recital? We ship by truck but send cargo by ship. We have noses that run and feet that smell. We park in a driveway and drive in a parkway.

And how can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites?

You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out, and in which an alarm goes off by going on.

So it all comes to this and I think you'll back up my claim I think all the folks who grew up speaking English should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane.

Thanks through the kind courtesy of Marc-Anthony.

FUNNY INSULTS

If you can't live without me, why aren't you dead already?
You'd make a lovely corpse!
I never forget a face, but in your case I'll make an exception.
Is that a beard, or are you eating a muskrat?
Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?
You're a wit with dunces, and a dunce with wits...huh?
Did you eat a brain tumor for breakfast?
You love nature in spite of what it did to you?
I want to reach your mind - where is it currently located?
I wish I'd known you when you were alive.
If you ever had a bright idea, it would be beginner's luck!
What's on your mind? If you'll forgive the overstatement.
When you go to the mind reader, do you get half price?
I look into your eyes and get the feeling someone else is driving.
You're a mouse studying to be a rat.
Don't look now, but there's one too many in this room and I think it's you.
Every time I'm next to you, I get a fierce desire to be alone.
I can't believe that out of 100,000 sperm, you were the quickest!
If you ever become a mother, can I have one of the puppies?
There's nothing wrong with you that reincarnation won't cure.
Why don't you bore a hole in yourself and let the sap run out?
You're a good example of why some animals eat their young.

REVENGE

Traffic cop stops an old guy for speeding. Says to old geezer, "I'll give you a chance.

If you can tell me what's driving down the road towards us, I won't write you a ticket."

Geezer says, "It's a car."

Traffic cop says, "No, you're not LISTENING. Is it a Merc or a BMW or a VW, or what?

Let's try again, shall we? " "What's approaching us now ?"

Geezer says, "It's a motorbike."

Traffic cop says, "No, you're not LISTENING. Is it a Yamaha or a Kawasaki or a Honda?

What sort of bike is it?"

The old guy shrugs so the cop proceeds to write out a ticket, which he then gives to the old guy.

Then he turns and walks towards car.

Old geezer shouts, "Wait mister! Hold on a second.

Come listen to me for awhile!"

"Yes Sir...?"

"Tell me son, If you're in a red light district, and on the opposite corner stands a young lady in a mini skirt, thigh high boots, a miniscule top and a cigarette dangling from her lips what is it ?"

The cop says "Sir, it's a prostitute!"

Geezer says, "No, you're not LISTENING.

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Is it your sister, your grandmother or your MOTHER ? ?

FAKE DIPLOMAS AND DOCUMENTS FOR SALE

Lim orders crackdown on Manila's diploma manufacturers
By Tina Santos
Inquirer
Last updated 01:32am (Mla time) 08/04/2007

MANILA, Philippines - Manila Mayor Alfredo Lim ordered yesterday a crackdown on shops along Recto Avenue found manufacturing fake documents.

Lim also directed Rafaelito Garayblas, secretary to the mayor, to check on those who secured permits from City Hall to operate such establishments by using legitimate businesses.

I asked him to cancel immediately the permits of these establishments, he said.

"Yesterday, at least 10 people allegedly involved in the manufacture of fake diplomas and other public documents were arrested by operatives of the Manila Police District."

Lim ordered Senior Supt. Danilo Abarzosa, MPD acting director, to conduct a continuous monitoring of the area to ensure that those engaged in faking public documents did not return.

The fake diploma industry continues to thrive despite government efforts to eliminate it.

For a fee, people can get a fake marriage contract, class card, faculty identification card, transcript of records, registration form, employers' certificates and even bank statements and voters' IDs, among others.

Recently, the National Printing Office (NPO) and the Commission on Higher Education signed a memorandum of agreement for the printing of a highly securitized paper for college diplomas. The NPO, the agency that prints government forms, said the same security features applied in the printing of ballots, election returns and certificates of canvass would be incorporated in the manufacture of diplomas.

Lim encouraged people to identify policemen protecting the Recto entrepreneurs.

"We hope to erase the image of Manila as the country's 'fake diploma capital,' a reputation it has earned these past several years," he said.