IBA TALAGA ANG PINOY!

Telecom History
After digging to a depth of 100 meters last year, Japanese scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 1000 years, and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network one thousand years ago.

In the weeks that followed, American scientists dug 200 metres and headlines in the US papers read:
" US scientists have found traces of 2000 year old optical fibres, and have concluded that their
ancestors already had advanced high-tech digital telephone 1000 years earlier than the Japanese".

One week later, a Filipino newspaper reported the following: "After digging as deep as 500 metres, Filipino scientists have found absolutely nothing. They have concluded that 5000 years ago, their ancestors were already using wireless technology ".


PINOY CONTRACTOR ABROAD

Three contractors are bidding to fix the White House fence.

One from the Philippines , another from Mexico and an American.

They go with a White House official to examine the fence.

The American contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. Well," he says. "I figure the job will run about $900: $400 for materials, $400 for my crew and $100 profit for me."

The Mexican contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, "I can do $700: $300 for materials, $300 for my crew and $100 profit for me."

The Filipino contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the White House official and whispers: "$2,700."

The official, incredulous, says, "What? You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure? How do you expect me to consider your service with that bid??

"Easy," the Pinoy explains, "$1,000 for you, $1,000 for me and we hire the guy from Mexico ".

The next day, the Pinoy and the Mexican are working on the Fence.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
Joke
Q. What's the difference between corruption in the US and corruption in the Philippines ?

A. In the U.S. they go to jail. In the Philippines , they go to the U.S.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Q. What`s the difference among Philippine Presidents Cory, Gloria and Erap?

A. Cory can`t tell a lie
Gloria can`t tell the truth
Erap can`t tell the difference


REPORTER: Sir, kung wala po kayong evidence, witness or suspect ano na po ang next step ninyo??
Police: DNA na...
REPORTER: sir, ano po yung DNA ???
Police: "Di Namin Alam "

"Naglalakad ang mag-ama, nakakita ng eroplano
ANAK: Tay ! Krus! Ang laking krus!
TATAY(Binatukan ang anak): Nakita mo ng krus eh! Lumuhod tayo!"

bobo1: Pare, alam mo ba tawag sa paniki na mababa ang lipad?
bobo2: hindi eh! ano ba pare?
bobo1: Lowbat pare! Lowbat!

ANG NAKARAAN....
May ibinulong ang daga sa elepante. Biglang hinimatay ang elepante. Ano ang ibinulong ng daga?
DAGA: Buntis ako, ikaw ang ama!
SA PAGPAPATULOY. ...
Dahil di makapaniwala ang elepante, dinala nya ang daga sa doctor. Tuwang-tuwa ang elepante at masayang ibinulong sa daga ang result
ELEPANTE: Ako nga ang ama, at elepante ang anak natin, at kambal sila!


TEACHER: Anong similarity nina Jose Rizal, Andres Bonifacio, Ninoy Aquino at Apolinario Mabini?
STUDENT: Ma'am, pagkaka-alam ko po, silang lahat ay pinanganak ng holiday!


TITSER: Juan, use recharge & caffeine in a sentence.
JUAN: Si "Recharge" Gutierrez ay si "Caffeine" Barbell.

ERAP: Soli ko tong nabili kong DVD.
FPJ: Anong problema?
ERAP: Walang picture, tsaka sound. Sayang. Suspense thriller pa yata to. Tsk, tsk...
FPJ: Anong title?
ERAP: "The Lens Cleaner"
PROMDI: Lam ko promdi lang ako kaya wag mo kong lolokohin! Bakit ganito ang kwarto ko? Maliit, wala pang kama at bintana..... ha?
ROOMBOY: Sir, nasa elevator pa lang po tayo...

Jun-Jun: Inay! Ako lang ang nakasagot sa tanong ng titser namin kanina!
Inay: Very good! Ano ba ang tanong ng titser ninyo?
Jun-Jun: "Sino ang walang assignment?"

Titser: Ano ang hugis ng mundo?
Juan: Kuwadrado po, maam!
Titser: Hindi! Ang mundo ay bilog.
Juan: Pero maam, sabi ng lolo ko, narating na niya ang APAT na sulok ng mundo. May sulok po ba ang bilog?

Thelma: Sabi mo, dok, safe ang calendar method. Eh, bakit ako nabuntis?
Dok: Paano nyo ba ginamit ang kalendaryo?
Thelma: Ginawa naming banig.


Boss asks sexy secretary to a dinner after overtime: Are you free tonight?
The sexy secretary replies: Sir, ha... huwag naman, FREE... Bibigyan na lang kita ng discount!

Gumimik sa mall ang tatlong binatilyo...
Jepoy: SYET! Ang cute nung girl!
Kevin: Sexy pa! Grabe!
Nathan: Sino? Yung naka-mini skirt, na red? Yun, yun ba? Ha? Kilala ko siya! Teka tatawagin ko ha, kuyaaahhh Ambet!

Eliseo: Sobra na talaga ang katangahan ng kumare mo. Ang akala niya, ang LAWSUIT ay uniporme ng pulis!
Joshua: Sus! Tanga nga! Eh di ba, uniporme ng abugado yun?


Namatay ang isang mister na babaero. Sa requiem mass, sinabi ng pari patungkol sa namatay, "An honest man, a good man, a family man" et cetera.
Binulungan ng biyuda ang panganay na anak, Pakisilip nga ang kabaong kung ang daddy mo nga ang nasa loob!"

SEASONS GREETINGS AND BEST WISHES!

THINGS YOU SHOULD HAVE LEARNED BY NOW!

1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

2. Don't worry about what people think, they don't do it very often.

3. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian anymore than standing in a garage makes you a car.

4. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

5. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.

6. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.

7. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.

8. It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.

9. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.

10. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.

11. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of cheques.

12. A conscience is what hurts when all of your other parts feel so good.

13. Men are from earth, Women are from earth... Deal with it.

14. No man has ever been shot while doing the dishes.

15. A balanced diet is a biscuit in each hand.

16. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.

17. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.

18. Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.

19. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.

20. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognise a mistake when you make it again.

21. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.

22. Thou shalt not weigh more than thy fridge.

23. Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.

24. It's not the jeans that make your bum look fat.

25. If you had to identify, in 1 word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, & never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be " meetings ".

26. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "crazy".

27. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.

28. You should not confuse your career with your life.

29. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.

30. Never lick a steak knife.

31. The most destructive force in the universe is gossip.

32. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we put the clocks back.

33. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.

34. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday.. That time is age eleven.

35. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers...
36. A person, who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person.

37. Your friends love you anyway.

38. Never be afraid to try something new. Remember that a lone amateur built the Ark. A large group of professionals built the Titanic.

THE COMPUTER SWALLOWED GRANDMA

The computer swallowed grandma. Yes, honestly its true!
She pressed 'control' and 'enter'
And disappeared from view.


It devoured here completely,
The thought just makes me squirm. She must have caught a virus
Or been eaten by a worm .

I've searched through the recycle bin And files of every kind;
I've even used the Internet,
But nothing did I find.

In desperation, I asked Google My searches to refine.
The reply from him was negative,
Not a thing was found 'online.'
So, if inside your 'Inbox,'
My Grandma you should see,
Please 'Copy,' 'Scan' and 'Paste' her

And send her back to me

This is a tribute to all the Grandmas (and Grandpas, too) who have been fearless and learned to use the Computer........ They are the greatest!!!

We do not stop playing because we grow old;
We grow old because we stop playing.

NEVER Be The First To Get Old!

IT'S AUTUMN AGAIN!

THE COLORS OF AUTUMN

ENGLISH TWISTS

We'll begin with a box, and the plural is boxes, But the plural of ox becomes oxen, not boxes. One fowl is a goose, but two are called geese, Yet the plural of moose should never be meese. You may find a lone mouse or a nest full of mice, Yet the plural of house is houses, not hice.

If the plural of man is always called men, Why shouldn't the plural of pan be called pen? If I speak of my foot and show you my feet, And I give you a boot, would a pair be called beet? If one is a tooth and a whole set are teeth, Why shouldn't the plural of booth be called beeth?

Then one may be that, and three would be those, Yet hat in the plural would never be hose, And the plural of cat is cats, not cose. We speak of a brother and also of brethren, But though we say mother, we never say methren. Then the masculine pronouns are he, his and him, But imagine the feminine: she, shis and shim!

Let's face it - English is a crazy language.

There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in England. We take English for granted, but if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square, and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig. And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham?

Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend. If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?

If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? If Father is Pop, how come Mother is not Mop?

In what other language do people recite at a play and play at a Recital? We ship by truck but send cargo by ship. We have noses that run and feet that smell. We park in a driveway and drive in a parkway.

And how can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites?

You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out, and in which an alarm goes off by going on.

So it all comes to this and I think you'll back up my claim I think all the folks who grew up speaking English should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane.

Thanks through the kind courtesy of Marc-Anthony.

FUNNY INSULTS

If you can't live without me, why aren't you dead already?
You'd make a lovely corpse!
I never forget a face, but in your case I'll make an exception.
Is that a beard, or are you eating a muskrat?
Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?
You're a wit with dunces, and a dunce with wits...huh?
Did you eat a brain tumor for breakfast?
You love nature in spite of what it did to you?
I want to reach your mind - where is it currently located?
I wish I'd known you when you were alive.
If you ever had a bright idea, it would be beginner's luck!
What's on your mind? If you'll forgive the overstatement.
When you go to the mind reader, do you get half price?
I look into your eyes and get the feeling someone else is driving.
You're a mouse studying to be a rat.
Don't look now, but there's one too many in this room and I think it's you.
Every time I'm next to you, I get a fierce desire to be alone.
I can't believe that out of 100,000 sperm, you were the quickest!
If you ever become a mother, can I have one of the puppies?
There's nothing wrong with you that reincarnation won't cure.
Why don't you bore a hole in yourself and let the sap run out?
You're a good example of why some animals eat their young.

REVENGE

Traffic cop stops an old guy for speeding. Says to old geezer, "I'll give you a chance.

If you can tell me what's driving down the road towards us, I won't write you a ticket."

Geezer says, "It's a car."

Traffic cop says, "No, you're not LISTENING. Is it a Merc or a BMW or a VW, or what?

Let's try again, shall we? " "What's approaching us now ?"

Geezer says, "It's a motorbike."

Traffic cop says, "No, you're not LISTENING. Is it a Yamaha or a Kawasaki or a Honda?

What sort of bike is it?"

The old guy shrugs so the cop proceeds to write out a ticket, which he then gives to the old guy.

Then he turns and walks towards car.

Old geezer shouts, "Wait mister! Hold on a second.

Come listen to me for awhile!"

"Yes Sir...?"

"Tell me son, If you're in a red light district, and on the opposite corner stands a young lady in a mini skirt, thigh high boots, a miniscule top and a cigarette dangling from her lips what is it ?"

The cop says "Sir, it's a prostitute!"

Geezer says, "No, you're not LISTENING.

SCROLL

SCROLL

SCROLL

Is it your sister, your grandmother or your MOTHER ? ?

FAKE DIPLOMAS AND DOCUMENTS FOR SALE

Lim orders crackdown on Manila's diploma manufacturers
By Tina Santos
Inquirer
Last updated 01:32am (Mla time) 08/04/2007

MANILA, Philippines - Manila Mayor Alfredo Lim ordered yesterday a crackdown on shops along Recto Avenue found manufacturing fake documents.

Lim also directed Rafaelito Garayblas, secretary to the mayor, to check on those who secured permits from City Hall to operate such establishments by using legitimate businesses.

I asked him to cancel immediately the permits of these establishments, he said.

"Yesterday, at least 10 people allegedly involved in the manufacture of fake diplomas and other public documents were arrested by operatives of the Manila Police District."

Lim ordered Senior Supt. Danilo Abarzosa, MPD acting director, to conduct a continuous monitoring of the area to ensure that those engaged in faking public documents did not return.

The fake diploma industry continues to thrive despite government efforts to eliminate it.

For a fee, people can get a fake marriage contract, class card, faculty identification card, transcript of records, registration form, employers' certificates and even bank statements and voters' IDs, among others.

Recently, the National Printing Office (NPO) and the Commission on Higher Education signed a memorandum of agreement for the printing of a highly securitized paper for college diplomas. The NPO, the agency that prints government forms, said the same security features applied in the printing of ballots, election returns and certificates of canvass would be incorporated in the manufacture of diplomas.

Lim encouraged people to identify policemen protecting the Recto entrepreneurs.

"We hope to erase the image of Manila as the country's 'fake diploma capital,' a reputation it has earned these past several years," he said.

MEDIEVAL FEAST - BRUSSELS 2007

KATATAWANANG PINOY

TEACHER: panget ng name mo, Conrado Domingo! In short, CONDOM!
PUPIL: ok lang po ma'am! Pero mas pangit sa husband ninyo. Supronio
Potenciano!
In short, SUPOT!
------------ --------- --------- --------- -------
REPORTER: Tita Cory, kung buhay si Ninoy ngayon, baka pangulo na siya.
CORY: Naka bilanggo siguro.
REPORTER: bakit naman po?
CORY: baka napatay na niya si Kris.
------------ --------- --------- --------- -------
JUDGE: isa ka palang pusher, kidnapper, gun for hire, gambling lord,
swindler at bugaw! Wala ka bang matinong hanapbuhay?
ACCUSED: meron po. Pulis po ako.
----------- ----------- ----------- ------------
GIRL: lahat ng politiko, kawatan!
MAN: sakit mo naman magsalita!
GIRL: bakit, politiko ka ba?
MAN: hindi, kawatan!
------------ --------- --------- --------- -------
Dalawang unano galing motel.
UNANO 1: pare, hindi ko nagalaw date ko kagabi, buti pa kayo, dinig ko
humihiyaw ka ng "1,2,3 ummph!!"
UNANO 2: gago! Hindi ko kasi maakyat ang kama .
------------ --------- --------- --------- -------
BETH: halata na ang tiyan mo. Bakit hindi pa kayo papakasal ng BF mo?
MARIA: ayaw ng pamilya niya eh.
BETH: sino may ayaw, tatay o Nanay?
MARIA: yung misis niya.
------------ --------- --------- --------- -------
Quiapo Church :
MRS: Lord, bigyan ninyo ako ng P1,000 kasi anak ko na sa hospital.
Narinig ng pulis, naawa, binigyan ng P500.
MRS: Lord, next time huwag padaan sa pulis, nabawasan agad
------------ --------- --------- --------- -------
Ano ang saging na mataba? Saba
Ano ang sa ging na maliit? Senorita
Ano ang saging na sinusubo pati balat?
It begins with T.
Esep-esep. Sirit na? .... Turon.
------------ --------- --------- --------- -------
Young lady to the new parish priest:
LADY: Father, ang cute mo, bakit pumayag kang magpari?
PRIEST: Ayaw kasi puma yag ni mama na mag-MADRE ako!
------------ --------- --------- --------- -------
SPANISH TEACHER: class, use PUERA in a sentence.
PUPIL: mi maestras son bonitas (all the teachers are beautiful)
TEACHER: oh, that's very flattering, but where's PUERA?
PUPIL: PUERA ka!
------------ --------- --------- --------- -------
JEEP PASSENGER: manong bayad.
DRIVER: saan galing?
PASSENGER: sa akin.
DRIVER: papunta saan?
PASSENGER: sayo
------------ -------- --------- --------- --------
Mister: Kung gagawa ako ng pelikula, gusto ko, ako si ZORRO!
Misis: Eh ako, sino?
Mister: Si DACOS!
Misis: Dacos? Sino 'yun!
Mister: DA COS of all my ZORROs!
----------- ---------- ------------ -- ------------ - --------
Job interview...
Boss: Ano ang alam mo?
Rommel: Alam ko po kung saan kayo nakatira ng misis mo, at kung saan
nakatira ang kabit mo.
Boss: Tanggap ka na!
------------ -- ------------ ---- ------------ - --- --------- -------
Tomas: Sobrang tabatsoy na ang misis ko kaya gusto niyang magbawas ng
timbang. Nag-horseback riding siya...
Jorge: Ano'ng resulta?
Tomas: Nabawasan ng 10 kilos 'yung kabayo!
------------ ---- ------------ --- ------------ - ------------
Ama: Kumusta ang pag-aaral mo?
Anak: Nag-lesson at test po kami tungkol sa mga manok.
Ama: Ano, madali ba?
Anak: Chicken na chicken!
Ama: Anong grade mo?
Anak: Itlog po.
------------ -- --------- ----------- ---------- ----------
Dalawang bank holdaper...
Holdaper #1: Yehey! Mayaman na tayo!
Holdaper #2: Bilangin mo na!
Holdaper: Gago! Alam mo namang mahina ako sa math.
Abangan na lang natin sa balita kung magkano!
-------- ----------- ----------- ------------ ------------
Guro: What is 34 books + 25 books?
Pilo: 59 books po.
Guro: Good. Ang 18 + 29 + 30 books?
Pilo: 77 books.
Guro: Very good. Now, what is 950 + 136 + 672 + 490 + 854 books?
Pilo: Ma'am, library po!
------------ - ------------ -- ------------ ----------- --------
Pasyente: Okey ba ang services sa ospital na ito?
Doktor: Oo naman. Sigurado 'yon.
Pasyente: Paano kung hindi ako satisfied?
Doktor: Ibabalik namin ang sakit mo.
------------ ------------ ------------ -- ------------ -----------
After 50 years...
Urbana : Mare, how's your sex life?
Dolores: Well, sa edad ni pare mo, MUKHA na lang ang nagagalit, BALAHIBO na lang ang tumatayo at UBO na lang ang matigas.

THE POSITIVE SIDE OF LIFE

Living on Earth is expensive,
but it does include a free trip
around the sun every year.

How long a minute is
depends on what side of the
bathroom door you're on.

Birthdays are good for you;
the more you have,
the longer you live.

Happiness comes through doors you
didn't even know you left open.

Ever notice that the people who are late
are often much jollier
than the people who have to wait for them?

Most of us go to our grave
with our music still inside of us.

If Wal-Mart is lowering prices every day,
how come nothing is free yet?

You may be only one person in the world,
but you may also be the world to one person.

Some mistakes are too much fun
to only make once.

Don't cry because it's over;
smile because it happened.

We could learn a lot from crayons:
some are sharp, some are pretty,
some are dull, some have weird names,
and all are different colors....but
they all exist very nicely in the same box.

A truly happy person is one who
can enjoy the scenery on a detour.

Have an awesome day, and
know that someone
who thinks you're great
has thought about you today!..

"And that person was me.".....

MARGARINE VS BUTTER

Pass The Butter ... please.

This is interesting . . . . .

Margarine was originally manufactured to fatten turkeys. When it killed the turkeys, the people who had put all the money into the research wanted a payback so they put their heads together to figure out what to do with this product to get their money back. It was a white substance with no food appeal so they added the yellow coloring and sold it to people to use in place of butter. How do you like it? They have come out with some clever new flavorings.

DO YOU KNOW.. the difference between margarine and butter?

Read on to the end...gets very interesting!

Both have the same amount of calories.

Butter is slightly higher in saturated fats at 8 grams compared to 5 grams.

Eating margarine can increase heart disease in women by 53% over eating the same amount of butter, according to a recent Harvard Medical Study.

Eating butter increases the absorption of many other nutrients in other foods.

Butter has many nutritional benefits where margarine has a few only because they are added!

Butter tastes much better than margarine and it can enhance the flavors of other foods.

Butter & has been around for centuries where margarine has been around for less than 100 years.

And now, for Margarine..

Very high in trans fatty acids.

Triple risk of coronary heart disease.
Increases total cholesterol and LDL (this is the bad cholesterol) and lowers HDL cholesterol, (the good cholesterol)

Increases the risk of cancers up to five fold.

Lowers quality of breast milk.

Decreases immune response.

Decreases insulin response.

And here's the most disturbing fact.... HERE IS THE PART THAT IS VERY INTERESTING!

Margarine is but ONE MOLECULE away from being PLASTIC..

This fact alone was enough to have me avoiding margarine for life and anything else that is hydrogenated (this means hydrogen is added, changing the molecular structure of the substance).

You can try this your self:

Purchase a tub of margarine and leave it in your garage or shaded area. Within a couple of days you will note a couple of things:

* no flies, not even those pesky fruit flies will go near it (that should tell you something)

* it does not rot or smell differently because it has no nutritional value; nothing will grow on it. Even those teeny weeny microorganisms will not a find a home to grow. Why? Because it is nearly plastic. Would you melt your Tupperware and spread that on your toast?

Share This With Your Friends.....(If you want to "butter them up")!

Chinese Proverb:
"When someone shares something of value with you and you benefit from it, you have a moral obligation to share it with others.

So..., DO IT !