THE COLORS OF AUTUMN

ENGLISH TWISTS

We'll begin with a box, and the plural is boxes, But the plural of ox becomes oxen, not boxes. One fowl is a goose, but two are called geese, Yet the plural of moose should never be meese. You may find a lone mouse or a nest full of mice, Yet the plural of house is houses, not hice.

If the plural of man is always called men, Why shouldn't the plural of pan be called pen? If I speak of my foot and show you my feet, And I give you a boot, would a pair be called beet? If one is a tooth and a whole set are teeth, Why shouldn't the plural of booth be called beeth?

Then one may be that, and three would be those, Yet hat in the plural would never be hose, And the plural of cat is cats, not cose. We speak of a brother and also of brethren, But though we say mother, we never say methren. Then the masculine pronouns are he, his and him, But imagine the feminine: she, shis and shim!

Let's face it - English is a crazy language.

There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in England. We take English for granted, but if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square, and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig. And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham?

Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend. If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?

If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? If Father is Pop, how come Mother is not Mop?

In what other language do people recite at a play and play at a Recital? We ship by truck but send cargo by ship. We have noses that run and feet that smell. We park in a driveway and drive in a parkway.

And how can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites?

You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out, and in which an alarm goes off by going on.

So it all comes to this and I think you'll back up my claim I think all the folks who grew up speaking English should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane.

Thanks through the kind courtesy of Marc-Anthony.

FUNNY INSULTS

If you can't live without me, why aren't you dead already?
You'd make a lovely corpse!
I never forget a face, but in your case I'll make an exception.
Is that a beard, or are you eating a muskrat?
Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?
You're a wit with dunces, and a dunce with wits...huh?
Did you eat a brain tumor for breakfast?
You love nature in spite of what it did to you?
I want to reach your mind - where is it currently located?
I wish I'd known you when you were alive.
If you ever had a bright idea, it would be beginner's luck!
What's on your mind? If you'll forgive the overstatement.
When you go to the mind reader, do you get half price?
I look into your eyes and get the feeling someone else is driving.
You're a mouse studying to be a rat.
Don't look now, but there's one too many in this room and I think it's you.
Every time I'm next to you, I get a fierce desire to be alone.
I can't believe that out of 100,000 sperm, you were the quickest!
If you ever become a mother, can I have one of the puppies?
There's nothing wrong with you that reincarnation won't cure.
Why don't you bore a hole in yourself and let the sap run out?
You're a good example of why some animals eat their young.

REVENGE

Traffic cop stops an old guy for speeding. Says to old geezer, "I'll give you a chance.

If you can tell me what's driving down the road towards us, I won't write you a ticket."

Geezer says, "It's a car."

Traffic cop says, "No, you're not LISTENING. Is it a Merc or a BMW or a VW, or what?

Let's try again, shall we? " "What's approaching us now ?"

Geezer says, "It's a motorbike."

Traffic cop says, "No, you're not LISTENING. Is it a Yamaha or a Kawasaki or a Honda?

What sort of bike is it?"

The old guy shrugs so the cop proceeds to write out a ticket, which he then gives to the old guy.

Then he turns and walks towards car.

Old geezer shouts, "Wait mister! Hold on a second.

Come listen to me for awhile!"

"Yes Sir...?"

"Tell me son, If you're in a red light district, and on the opposite corner stands a young lady in a mini skirt, thigh high boots, a miniscule top and a cigarette dangling from her lips what is it ?"

The cop says "Sir, it's a prostitute!"

Geezer says, "No, you're not LISTENING.

SCROLL

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Is it your sister, your grandmother or your MOTHER ? ?

FAKE DIPLOMAS AND DOCUMENTS FOR SALE

Lim orders crackdown on Manila's diploma manufacturers
By Tina Santos
Inquirer
Last updated 01:32am (Mla time) 08/04/2007

MANILA, Philippines - Manila Mayor Alfredo Lim ordered yesterday a crackdown on shops along Recto Avenue found manufacturing fake documents.

Lim also directed Rafaelito Garayblas, secretary to the mayor, to check on those who secured permits from City Hall to operate such establishments by using legitimate businesses.

I asked him to cancel immediately the permits of these establishments, he said.

"Yesterday, at least 10 people allegedly involved in the manufacture of fake diplomas and other public documents were arrested by operatives of the Manila Police District."

Lim ordered Senior Supt. Danilo Abarzosa, MPD acting director, to conduct a continuous monitoring of the area to ensure that those engaged in faking public documents did not return.

The fake diploma industry continues to thrive despite government efforts to eliminate it.

For a fee, people can get a fake marriage contract, class card, faculty identification card, transcript of records, registration form, employers' certificates and even bank statements and voters' IDs, among others.

Recently, the National Printing Office (NPO) and the Commission on Higher Education signed a memorandum of agreement for the printing of a highly securitized paper for college diplomas. The NPO, the agency that prints government forms, said the same security features applied in the printing of ballots, election returns and certificates of canvass would be incorporated in the manufacture of diplomas.

Lim encouraged people to identify policemen protecting the Recto entrepreneurs.

"We hope to erase the image of Manila as the country's 'fake diploma capital,' a reputation it has earned these past several years," he said.

MEDIEVAL FEAST - BRUSSELS 2007

KATATAWANANG PINOY

TEACHER: panget ng name mo, Conrado Domingo! In short, CONDOM!
PUPIL: ok lang po ma'am! Pero mas pangit sa husband ninyo. Supronio
Potenciano!
In short, SUPOT!
------------ --------- --------- --------- -------
REPORTER: Tita Cory, kung buhay si Ninoy ngayon, baka pangulo na siya.
CORY: Naka bilanggo siguro.
REPORTER: bakit naman po?
CORY: baka napatay na niya si Kris.
------------ --------- --------- --------- -------
JUDGE: isa ka palang pusher, kidnapper, gun for hire, gambling lord,
swindler at bugaw! Wala ka bang matinong hanapbuhay?
ACCUSED: meron po. Pulis po ako.
----------- ----------- ----------- ------------
GIRL: lahat ng politiko, kawatan!
MAN: sakit mo naman magsalita!
GIRL: bakit, politiko ka ba?
MAN: hindi, kawatan!
------------ --------- --------- --------- -------
Dalawang unano galing motel.
UNANO 1: pare, hindi ko nagalaw date ko kagabi, buti pa kayo, dinig ko
humihiyaw ka ng "1,2,3 ummph!!"
UNANO 2: gago! Hindi ko kasi maakyat ang kama .
------------ --------- --------- --------- -------
BETH: halata na ang tiyan mo. Bakit hindi pa kayo papakasal ng BF mo?
MARIA: ayaw ng pamilya niya eh.
BETH: sino may ayaw, tatay o Nanay?
MARIA: yung misis niya.
------------ --------- --------- --------- -------
Quiapo Church :
MRS: Lord, bigyan ninyo ako ng P1,000 kasi anak ko na sa hospital.
Narinig ng pulis, naawa, binigyan ng P500.
MRS: Lord, next time huwag padaan sa pulis, nabawasan agad
------------ --------- --------- --------- -------
Ano ang saging na mataba? Saba
Ano ang sa ging na maliit? Senorita
Ano ang saging na sinusubo pati balat?
It begins with T.
Esep-esep. Sirit na? .... Turon.
------------ --------- --------- --------- -------
Young lady to the new parish priest:
LADY: Father, ang cute mo, bakit pumayag kang magpari?
PRIEST: Ayaw kasi puma yag ni mama na mag-MADRE ako!
------------ --------- --------- --------- -------
SPANISH TEACHER: class, use PUERA in a sentence.
PUPIL: mi maestras son bonitas (all the teachers are beautiful)
TEACHER: oh, that's very flattering, but where's PUERA?
PUPIL: PUERA ka!
------------ --------- --------- --------- -------
JEEP PASSENGER: manong bayad.
DRIVER: saan galing?
PASSENGER: sa akin.
DRIVER: papunta saan?
PASSENGER: sayo
------------ -------- --------- --------- --------
Mister: Kung gagawa ako ng pelikula, gusto ko, ako si ZORRO!
Misis: Eh ako, sino?
Mister: Si DACOS!
Misis: Dacos? Sino 'yun!
Mister: DA COS of all my ZORROs!
----------- ---------- ------------ -- ------------ - --------
Job interview...
Boss: Ano ang alam mo?
Rommel: Alam ko po kung saan kayo nakatira ng misis mo, at kung saan
nakatira ang kabit mo.
Boss: Tanggap ka na!
------------ -- ------------ ---- ------------ - --- --------- -------
Tomas: Sobrang tabatsoy na ang misis ko kaya gusto niyang magbawas ng
timbang. Nag-horseback riding siya...
Jorge: Ano'ng resulta?
Tomas: Nabawasan ng 10 kilos 'yung kabayo!
------------ ---- ------------ --- ------------ - ------------
Ama: Kumusta ang pag-aaral mo?
Anak: Nag-lesson at test po kami tungkol sa mga manok.
Ama: Ano, madali ba?
Anak: Chicken na chicken!
Ama: Anong grade mo?
Anak: Itlog po.
------------ -- --------- ----------- ---------- ----------
Dalawang bank holdaper...
Holdaper #1: Yehey! Mayaman na tayo!
Holdaper #2: Bilangin mo na!
Holdaper: Gago! Alam mo namang mahina ako sa math.
Abangan na lang natin sa balita kung magkano!
-------- ----------- ----------- ------------ ------------
Guro: What is 34 books + 25 books?
Pilo: 59 books po.
Guro: Good. Ang 18 + 29 + 30 books?
Pilo: 77 books.
Guro: Very good. Now, what is 950 + 136 + 672 + 490 + 854 books?
Pilo: Ma'am, library po!
------------ - ------------ -- ------------ ----------- --------
Pasyente: Okey ba ang services sa ospital na ito?
Doktor: Oo naman. Sigurado 'yon.
Pasyente: Paano kung hindi ako satisfied?
Doktor: Ibabalik namin ang sakit mo.
------------ ------------ ------------ -- ------------ -----------
After 50 years...
Urbana : Mare, how's your sex life?
Dolores: Well, sa edad ni pare mo, MUKHA na lang ang nagagalit, BALAHIBO na lang ang tumatayo at UBO na lang ang matigas.

THE POSITIVE SIDE OF LIFE

Living on Earth is expensive,
but it does include a free trip
around the sun every year.

How long a minute is
depends on what side of the
bathroom door you're on.

Birthdays are good for you;
the more you have,
the longer you live.

Happiness comes through doors you
didn't even know you left open.

Ever notice that the people who are late
are often much jollier
than the people who have to wait for them?

Most of us go to our grave
with our music still inside of us.

If Wal-Mart is lowering prices every day,
how come nothing is free yet?

You may be only one person in the world,
but you may also be the world to one person.

Some mistakes are too much fun
to only make once.

Don't cry because it's over;
smile because it happened.

We could learn a lot from crayons:
some are sharp, some are pretty,
some are dull, some have weird names,
and all are different colors....but
they all exist very nicely in the same box.

A truly happy person is one who
can enjoy the scenery on a detour.

Have an awesome day, and
know that someone
who thinks you're great
has thought about you today!..

"And that person was me.".....

MARGARINE VS BUTTER

Pass The Butter ... please.

This is interesting . . . . .

Margarine was originally manufactured to fatten turkeys. When it killed the turkeys, the people who had put all the money into the research wanted a payback so they put their heads together to figure out what to do with this product to get their money back. It was a white substance with no food appeal so they added the yellow coloring and sold it to people to use in place of butter. How do you like it? They have come out with some clever new flavorings.

DO YOU KNOW.. the difference between margarine and butter?

Read on to the end...gets very interesting!

Both have the same amount of calories.

Butter is slightly higher in saturated fats at 8 grams compared to 5 grams.

Eating margarine can increase heart disease in women by 53% over eating the same amount of butter, according to a recent Harvard Medical Study.

Eating butter increases the absorption of many other nutrients in other foods.

Butter has many nutritional benefits where margarine has a few only because they are added!

Butter tastes much better than margarine and it can enhance the flavors of other foods.

Butter & has been around for centuries where margarine has been around for less than 100 years.

And now, for Margarine..

Very high in trans fatty acids.

Triple risk of coronary heart disease.
Increases total cholesterol and LDL (this is the bad cholesterol) and lowers HDL cholesterol, (the good cholesterol)

Increases the risk of cancers up to five fold.

Lowers quality of breast milk.

Decreases immune response.

Decreases insulin response.

And here's the most disturbing fact.... HERE IS THE PART THAT IS VERY INTERESTING!

Margarine is but ONE MOLECULE away from being PLASTIC..

This fact alone was enough to have me avoiding margarine for life and anything else that is hydrogenated (this means hydrogen is added, changing the molecular structure of the substance).

You can try this your self:

Purchase a tub of margarine and leave it in your garage or shaded area. Within a couple of days you will note a couple of things:

* no flies, not even those pesky fruit flies will go near it (that should tell you something)

* it does not rot or smell differently because it has no nutritional value; nothing will grow on it. Even those teeny weeny microorganisms will not a find a home to grow. Why? Because it is nearly plastic. Would you melt your Tupperware and spread that on your toast?

Share This With Your Friends.....(If you want to "butter them up")!

Chinese Proverb:
"When someone shares something of value with you and you benefit from it, you have a moral obligation to share it with others.

So..., DO IT !

KUNG PINOY SI NOAH...

Para sa lahat ng PINOYS!

Kung Pinoy si Noah....

...Ganito ang mangyayari sa barko. Read along...

Taong 2007 at isang ordinaryong middle coclass Pinoy si Noah. Nagpakita sa kanya ang Diyos at sinabing "Pagkatapos ng isang taon ay bubuhos ang ulan at babahain ang buong kapuluan ng Pilipinas. Gusto kong gumawa ka ng isang malaking arko at isakay mo rito ang pares-pares na mga hayop at mga mag-asawang pilipino sa iba't ibang kapuluan."

Ibinigay kay Noah ang "specs" ng arko at taos puso nitong tinanggap ang responsibilidad na sagipin ang sambayanang Pilipino sa napipintong pagbaha.

Lumipas ang taon, muling nagpakita ang Diyos kay Noah. Walang arkong nagawa si Noah at galit na galit siyang tinanong ng Diyos,

"Nasaan ang arko na ipinagawa ko sa iyo? "Tumugon si Noah,"Patawarin po ninyo ako kung di po natupad ang utos ninyo! Nagkaroon po ng malaking problema sa plano po ninyo."

At inilahad ni Noah ang mga sagabal na nakaharap niya sa pag-gawa ng arko.

Humingi siya ng Mayor's permit pero papayag lang daw si Mayor kung ang gagawa ng arko ay ang construction firm ng kanyang pamangkin. Tumungo siya sa Congressman pero papayag lang daw si Congressman kung may matatanggap siyang 30% commission. Nagtayo ng unyon ang mga kinuha niyang manggagawa at nag-strike.

Natunugan ng mga left-leaning groups ang kanyang balak at ang mga ito ay nag-rally dahil daw sa hindi makatarungang pagpili ng mga taong sasakay sa arko (mga taong naniniwala lang sa Diyos ang pwedeng sumakay). Nakisali sa rally ang mga bakla at tomboy dahil bias daw na normal na mag-asawa lang ang pwedeng sumakay.

Ang civil society group ay nakisali na rin sa gulo dahil napag-alaman daw nila na ang pondong gagamitin sa paggawa ng arko ay galing sa donasyon ng mga gambling lords at katas ng hueteng.

Sa kaguluhang ito ay napilitang magpatawag ng hearing ang senado "in aid of legislation".

Sinubukan ni Noah na gamitin ang EO 464 para makaiwas sa hearing pero dahil hindi sya executive official, napilitan siyang tumistigo.

Nang malaman ng senado na utos ng Diyos ang pagpapagawa ng arko, dineklara nila itong unconstitutional dahil hindi raw nito iginalang ang separation ng church at state

Nakialam na rin ang NBI at PNP at sinabi nilang meron silang impormasyon na ang barko raw na ito ay gagamitin ni Erap sa kanyang pagtakas. Sinabi naman ng ISAFP at DOJ na ito raw ay gagamitin ng grupong Magdalo sa binabalak nilang coup laban kay Arroyo. Nilapitan ni Noah si Mike Defensor para makipag-usap kay GMA. Payag daw si GMA na ituloy ang arko kung ipapaskil daw sa arko ang malaking mukha ni Arroyo na may slogan "Towards a Strong Republic". "Hindi po ako pumayag kaya hanggang ngayon po ay may TRO ang pag-gawa ng arko.

Sa palagay ko po kailangan ko pa ng 10 taon para matapos ang inyong proyekto". Ang huling wika ni Noah. Napa-iling ang Diyos at sinabing, "Di ko na kailangang wasakin pa ang bansang ito. Hayaan ko na lang kayong sumira nito."

THE FILIPINOS BY ART BELL

This is a very disturbing open E-mail letter to all Filipinos around the world; specially here in North America!, from a man who has the power to reach millions of people. (he's a radio talk host)

Please read on...

This is an open letter email by Art Bell, a radio talk show host in Nevada (more info in the email itself). Here is yet another person who has taken advantage of his power and privilege to use hateful words and racial stereotypes that breed further ignorance and intolerance in our society.

Art Bell is a talk radio host who has two shows that he broadcasts from his home in Nevada, that is rebroadcast by 400 stations across the country.

He's written 2 books. He lived in Okinawa, Japan for some years and had a radio program on the English station here. And, though it's hard to believe after reading the following letter from him, he actually has been to the Philippines (he's traveled fairly extensively around the world).

Check out his website listed at the end to get a glimpse at this fool who's spreading this hateful ignorance. And check his wife as well. This letter is so degrading, I think it's really important that everybody read this and not attack him, but respond to him in a civilized manner because otherwise his thoughts will be reaffirmed. Understand that not everyone has a viewpoint like we do, and that this is an opinion of someone who hopefully can be changed only by civil actions.
...............................................

Filipinos.....*make me puke* (Art Bell)

As we've all come to notice, in the past few decades, Filipinos have begun to infest the United States like some sort of disease. Their extensive involvement in the U.S. Armed Forces is proof of the trashy kind of qualities all Filipinos tend to exhibit on a regular basis. You can see this clearly by studying the attitudes and cultural Icons of most Filipino Americans.

Origins of Pinoys/Pinays:

Are they really asian? Well we've come to accept the fact the Filipinos come from a part of the world known as South East Asia. But the term "Asia" is used in the wrong way. You may notice that contemporary Filipino Americans try very hard to associate themselves with groups that we know as Asian. I cannot count the number of times I have seen a 'Third World' Filipino try to connect themselves to the Chinese or Japanese people. There is no connection and here's why.

The Philippines is a Third World country. Nothing respectable has EVER been created by Filipino people during our entire human history. Young Filipino men in America have become obsessed with "import racing". They have an enormously perverted affection for Japanese cars. It's a common phenomenon. In their minds, these Filipinos somehow believe that they are Asian and that it somehow connects them to Japanese people and japanese cars. They often take credit for the ingenuity of Japanese people and say how it's an "Asian thing". This term... "Asian thing" derived directly from African American slang "black thang". "It's a black thang." "It's an asian thang."

You can see the connection. It's even funnier that, in Japan, Filipinos are heavily discriminated against. The only Filipinos that can live successfully in Japan are the Filipino prostitutes. But that's the case for most Filipino people no matter where they live in the world. Now we've come down to this fact... and it is a fact.

Nothing in Filipino Culture can be seen as Asian. They have no architectural, artistic, or cultural influence which is in ANY way, Asian. Thinking of the great countries in Asia such as Japan, Korea, and China there is no way you can possibly connect the Philippine Islands. This assault by Filipino Americans to connect themselves with the great peoples of North East Asia is foul and disgusting. Try visiting a young Filipino's web site too.

You'll see something called the "Asian IRC Ring". It has to do with the chatrooms. The most horrible thing about this is that these TRASHY people are trying to associate themselves with Asia again!! People in Asia don't act like this at all. What we are seeing here is the natural Filipino in its element with full access to technology and this is how they act! You will consistently see this behavior over and over again.

Another interesting thing is that these "third world" people also frequent RC chatrooms such as #Chinese #Japan and #Asian. They must believe that they are somehow related racially or culturally to North Asians. But it's completely WRONG! There might have been some distant contact with China and even less with Japan during World War II, but these people are actually more closely related to African Americans and Mexican Americans.

Do the parents of these young Filipinos know what's going on? Would they accept this? I believe that they would and do. This is the natural "Trash" element in Filipinos manifesting itself. Nothing good has ever come from Philippines and I don't believe anything good ever will.

Recognizing your Roots (A Message to Filipinos). To all Filipino people:

Please recognize your ROOTS! You come from the Third World! Your country is a disgusting and filthy place. Most people there live in poverty! Your culture has MUCH MORE SPANISH influence than Chinese, and absolutely no JAPANESE influence whatsoever. People in Japan and China, do not act like you. They do not constantly talk about sex and they have a MUCH HIGHER level of RESPECT for each other. There is NO WAY that you can connect yourself to Asia other than location.

Your culture and technological advancement does not even come CLOSE to what Chinese, people have done in the past and what Japanese and Korean people are doing now! Everything you do is distinctly Filipino. You cannot take credit for Japanese cars, video games, or Hentai! It's not an "Asian thing" it's an "American thing". You have no concept of culture... no concept of Asian ideas or Asian philosophy! Can you demonstrate how you use Confucianism or Taoism in your everyday life?? You can't. And you will NEVER be able to.

I understand that you are trying to create an identity for yourselves as young people... but it is NOT related to Asia. Your Identity is Filipino.

That's all you are. Just Filipino. Think about what that means....