HOW TO GET THROUGH LIFE

How To Get Through Life

Sleep as much as you can ....

Read books that you enjoy...

Play with simple things...

Do whatever you want --

whenever you want...

Look for affection when you need it...

Get serious once in a while...



Forget about diets....



Show some affection...

Get angry once in a while....

Change your looks...

Above all, be happy,

regardless of what

your challenges may be...

Have a great life!

May your troubles be less,

your blessings more,

and may nothing but happiness

come through your door.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

FOUR WORMS AND A LESSON...

A minister decided that a visual demonstration would
Add emphasis to his Sunday sermon.


Four worms were placed into four separate jars.



The first worm was put into a container of alcohol.

The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke.

The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup.

The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil.



At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following results:


The first worm in alcohol -Dead.




The second worm in cigarette smoke - Dead






Third worm in chocolate syrup -Dead








Fourth worm in good clean soil -Alive.




So the Minister asked the congregation -




What can you learn from this demonstration?




Maxine was sitting in the back, quickly raised her hand and said,




"As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won't have worms!"

That pretty much ended the service.

DO DOGS GO TO HEAVEN?

This is literally a 'church signs' debate, being played out in a Southern US town, between Our Lady of Martyrs Catholic Church, and Cumberland Presbyterian, a fundamentalist church. From top to bottom shows you the response and counter-response over time.

The Catholics are displaying a much better sense of humor! You get the impression that the Presbyterians are actually taking this seriously and are getting a bit upset...

Forward to all animal lovers and you'll get a cookie, doggie biscuit or rock depending on what God decides your reward for humor will be.

BAPTIST SHAMPOO

God Bless America

Baptist
Shampoo

While shopping in a grocery store, two Baptist church ladies happened to pass
By the beer, wine, and liquor section. One asked the other if she would like a beer.

The second good Baptist sister answered that, indeed, it would be very nice to
Have one, but that she would feel uncomfortable about purchasing it.

The first sister replied that she would handle that without a problem.

She picked up a six-pack and took it to the cashier.

The cashier had a surprised look, so the good Baptist sister said,

'This is for washing our hair.'

Without blinking an eye, the cashier reached under the counter and put

A package of pretzel sticks in the bag with the beer.

'The curlers are on me.'

                

THE AWWW MOMENT FOR THE DAY

These little bunnies, about 6 days old, were attacked by a dog and orphaned.
Two out of the litter of five did not survive, and these three were not doing very well.

Noah is a non-releasable, one-legged homing pigeon that we have here in rehab. Noah kept going over to the bunny cage and looking in...even sleeping in front of the door to the cage.

Then, 2 days ago, I only counted 2 bunnies in the cage, so I hurriedly picked Noah up from the front of the cage so I could look inside. And to my surprise...there was the tiny bunny...under Noah's wing...sound asleep! The bunny had crawled through the cage....preferring a featherbed, no doubt.
Now, they are all together, and the bunnies are doing GREAT. When the bunnies scoot underneath Noah's feathers, he extends his wings out to surround them..and they snuggle. When one of them moves and they start sticking out here and there, he gently pushes them back under him with his beak!!!!! This is amazing!!!

MEET MARVIN

Meet Marvin, Men's Answer to Maxine Men strike back! How many men does it take to open a beer? None. It should be opened when she brings it. ----------------------------------------------------------- Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman? Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you. ------------------------------ ----------------------------- Why do women have smaller feet than men? It's one of those 'evolutionary things' that allows Them to stand closer to the kitchen sink. ----------------------------------------------------------- How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart? When she starts a sentence with 'A man once told me....' ----------------------------------------------------------- How do you fix a woman's watch? You don't. There is a clock on the oven. ---------------------------------------------------------- If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first? The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in. -- -------------------------------------------------------- Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%. It's called a Wedding Cake. ---------------------------------------------------- Why do men die before their wives? They want to. ------------------------------------------------------ Women will never be equal to men Until they can walk down the street with a bald head And a beer gut, and still think they are sexy. ------------ ------------------------------------------ Send this to a few good men who need a laugh and To the select few women who can handle it! AND MAXINE SAYS............'MARVIN'... Maxine just had to have the last word.

UNEMPLOYED

An unemployed worker applies at Microsoft for the
position of a janitor.

The HR chief invites him to an interview and
subjects him to some tests.

Then he tells him: You got the job, just give me your e-mail address so that I can send you the employment contract as well as the day and time when to start.

The man is distraught and answers that he has no computer and therefore also no e-mail.

The HR boss tells him that if he has no e-mail address he virtually does not exist and therefore cannot hold a job.

The man leaves in a desperate mood without knowing what to do with his last $10 in his pocket.
Finally he decides to go into a supermarket to buy a
10 lb box of strawberries.

He starts out with door to door calls in order to sell those
strawberries by the pound.
He manages to double
his capital in 2 hours.
He repeats the deal 3 times more and goes home with $60 in his pocket.

He comes to see that he can survive this way. He starts every day earlier and comes home every day later. So he triples or quadruples his money every day.

A short time later he buys a wheel barrow, then exchanges it later into a truck and sooner or later is the owner of a complete fleet of delivery trucks.

5 year go by…

The man is now the owner of one of the largest food chain in the USA

Now he starts thinking about the future for him and his family and decides

He calls an agent and selects a good policy.

At the end of the negotiations the agent asks him for his e-mail address
to send him a confirmation of the policy.

The man tells him that he doesn’t
have an e-mail address!
That is strange, says the agent, you have no e-mail and nevertheless you built this large empire.
Can you imagine where you would be if you had an e-mail address.

The man briefly thinks and
then answers:
I WOULD BE A TOILET CLEANER AT MICROSOFT!

Moral 1 of the story:

The internet does not solve all the problems in our lives!

Moral 2 of the story:

When you have no e-mail but work hard you can become a millionaire!

Moral 3 of the story:

You received this story by e-mail. Therefore you are closer to
a janitor than to a millionaire!

Nevertheless
have a good day!!!!!

Don’t answer this e-mail since I am out buying strawberries!!!

TAWA MUNA TAYO

Pedro & Juan.. Pedro: Alam mo, yung pusa namin, kahit nakalagay sa lamesa at walang takip ang ulam namin, hindi kinakain! Juan: Maniwala ako?! Pedro: Totoo! Juan: Ano ba ang ulam nyo? Pedro: Asin! Tatay to anak.. TATAY: Bagsak ka na nman! Ba't di mo gayahin si Pedro? Palaging may honor. ANAK: Unfair naman kung ikumpara nyo ako kay Pedro. TATAY: Bakit naman? ANAK: Matalino Tatay nun Tatay: Anak, ibili mo nga ako ng softdrink Anak: Coke o Pepsi? Tatay: Coke Anak: Diet o Regular? Tatay: regular Anak: Bote o in can? Tatay: Bote Anak: 8 oz o litro? Tatay:Bwiset, tubig na nga lang. Anak: Mineral o distilled? Tatay: Mineral. Anak: Malamig o hindi? Tatay: Hahampasin na kita ng walis eh! Anak: Tambo o tingting? Tatay: Hayop ka! Anak: Baka o kambing? Mental patient is singing while lying in his hospital bed. After a song, he turns face down to sing again. NURSE: Bakit ka bumaliktad? PATIENT: Side B na kasi eh. ANAK: 'Nay, sabi ng titser ko ang ina ay ILAW NG TAHANAN. Eh ano naman po ang tawag sa ama? INA: (aburido) Sabihin mo sa ma'am mo, ang AMA ang taga-PUNDI NG ILAW!!! Doc: iho, bakit mu naman sinapak ung lalaki kanina? Boy: e Doc, nakita niya na ninenerbyos ako sa resulta ng AIDS test tapos sasabihin pa niya... THINK POSITIVE ! Mahirap intindihin ang mga Kano kasi sa kanila ang malambot "SoP", ang sabaw "SoP", ang sabon "SoP" pa rin. ANAK: 'Tay , anong pagkakaiba ng Supper at Dinner? ITAY: Anak, pagkumain tayo sa labas, Dinner 'yun. Pag dito tayo kakain ng luto ng Mommy mo, Suffer yon!! What would happen if you have a wooden car with wooden wheels, a wooden chair and a wooden engine? It wooden start!!! Operator: AT&T, How may I help you? Pinoy: Heyloow. Ay wud like to long distans da Pilipins, plis. Operator: Name of the party you're calling? Pinoy: Aybegurpardon? Can you repit agen plis? Operator: What is the name of the person you are calling? Pinoy: Ah, yes, tenkyu and sori. Da name of my calling is Elpidio Abanquil. Operator: Please spell out the name of the person you're calling phonetically. Pinoy: Yes, tenkyu. What is foneticali? Operator: Please spell out the letters comprising the name a letter at a time and citing a word for each letter. Pinoy: Ah, yes, tenkyu. Da name of Elpidio Abanquel is Elpidio Abanquel. I will spell his name foneticali, Elpidio: E as in Elpidio, L as in lpidio, P as in pidio, I as in idio, D as in dio, I as in io, and O as in o. Operator: Sir, can you please use English words. Pinoy: Ah, yes, tenkyu. Abanquel: A as in Airport agen, B as in Because, A as in airport agen, N as in enemy, Q as in Cuba , U as in Europe , E as in important, and L as in elephant. Waiter: What kind of coffee would you like, regular or decaf? Pinoy: No, Big cup!! Big cup! Waiter: What would you like for your breakfast? Pinoy: Hameneggs. Waiter: And how do you like your eggs, sir? Pinoy: Yes, tenkyu. I like dem beri much. Waiter: No sir, I mean how would you like them cooked? Pinoy: Yes, tenkyu. I wud like dem cooked. Waiter: (with increasing impatience) Would you like your eggs...fried? poached? hard boiled or soft boiled? Pinoy: (with increasing uneasiness) Yes, one fried en one hard boiled or sop boiled. Waiter: And what bread would you like? Pinoy: Begyurpardon? Waiter: What kind of bread would you like? white? rye? whole wheat? toast? Pinoy: Pan Americano Waiter: We don't have that. Pinoy: Okey, gib me taystee. Waiter: We don't have that either, sir. Pinoy: Do you heb pan de lemon or bonete? Waiter: Sir, you are wasting my time. I shall ask for the last time, what would you like for breakfast? Pinoy: Donut plis.... Two married men talking... 1st man: Swerte ko, my wife is an angel. 2nd man: Buti ka pa, ako ang asawa ko buhay pa. Anak : Tays! kakains nas tayos! Tatay : Hoy! Tigilan mo yang kalalagay mo ng 'S' sa mga sinasabi mo ha ! Ano ba ang ulam ? Anak : BANGU na may KAMATI, ARDINA na may IBUYA ! BISAYA 1 : Unsay ibig sabihon ng "cooling place"? BISAYA 2 : Pag-naga ring ang fon, sabihon mo: "Hilow, hus cooling place?" A Filipino, a Chinese man, and a Japanese guy are in a bar having a drink. When a gorgeous woman comes up to them and says, "Whoever can use the words 'liver' and 'cheese' in a creative sentence can have me for tonight." So the Chinese guy says "I love liver and cheese." She says "That's not good enough" The Japanese man says "I hate liver and cheese" She says "That's not creative" Finally, the Filipino says "Liver alone, cheese mine!" How do you know if siopao meat is made of cat, rat or dog? Pinch a piece of siopao and let the cat smell it. If the cat likes it...rat! If it doesn't...cat! If it runs...dog! What's the difference between corruption in the USA and corruption in the Philippines ? In the US , they go to jail. In the Philippines, they go to US! Bakit laging Intsik ang kinikidnap? Kasi pag Pinoy - hulugan! Pag Bumbay - 5-6! Pag Kano - credit card! E pag Intsik - C.O.D.!!!! Lulubog na ang barko... PARI: San Pedro, San Jose ... MADRE: Sta. Fe, Sta. Lucia, Sta. Clara... INTSIK: lubok na balko! tawak pa kayo pasahelo!